The Six Stages of Man

Since I am limited to the paragraph width of this blog, I won't be able to lay out the structure of the surfer taxonomy but be sure that there is indeed a structure, and all pass through the many branches at one point or another. I will list the types that I have personally identified and cataloged in my short time here in approximate order through which they are passed:

A) Painfully Obvious First Time Outer - This individual can be easily identified by the rented board and wetsuit. The wetsuit is more than likely flourecent and the board is beat up, but not in a way that says look how much I've used it. Usually is quite determined, but mainly because $40 has been dropped on the rental. More than likely never to be seen again.

B) Classic Beginner - At this point the individual has purchased their own gear. This is just about the only thing that differentiates them from category A. They are also telling people "I surf.". This person is actually standing up on the board 2-3 times a "session" (which has now entered their vocab), but they fall right away. This person is thinking "My board's a bit short I think." or "My board's a big long I think." or "The pattern of my board is preventing me from surfing well I think.".

C) Johnny Go Surf - Things are pretty fun at this stage. The basics have been mastered and you officially don't look like an idiot. This person has moved on to the finer points. Style is becoming a factor. The walk from your car to the beach involves checking out how your bits look in your wetsuit and thinking..."Ok I can live with that." More and more time is spent thinking about surfing while not currently surfing.

D) Mr. Serious - After spending possibly years as a Johnny Go Surf, this individual is now sacrificing many things in their life for the sport. All their friends are surfers. They have several types of boards at this point and the entire collection is being referred to as a "quiver". They have their own spots that some people don't even know about.

E) I'm Not Even From Here Guy - This guy's "not from here". He has a funny accent, but he sure can rip. He probably doesn't have a job and he's so good that at this point he doesn't even bother having specific surfer friends because everyone who sees him surf wants to be his friend. His name is probably Chet or Slater. He probably listens to Atreyu. He is the best surfer you've ever seen and you would love for this man to take you out to a nice restaurant and teach you the secrets of not only surfing, but life itself.

F) Just Quit Already - Mr Just Quit Already can be broken into two categories. Category 1 would be the guy who is 55 and you can see that he's living in his car. He's pretty good...I guess. But he probably stinks and is high. Category 2 is a little better and consist of retired rich older office surfing buddies. Usually pretty clean cut and consistent. Usually wears hats that are still dry after about an hour in the water. They've been doing this "longer than you". They believe that their age confirms upon them the right to take any wave they want without sharing it. I'm Not Even From Here Guy knows what to do with your typical Mr Just Quit Already 2.

Finally
F) Old Lady in a Helmet - This one is exactly what it sounds like.

Changing topics, someone needs to stop Ticketmaster because things are officially out of control. We are now at minimum 1/3 of the ticket price to actually buy the ticket and it is infuriating. It's like Spring Break Capitalism Gone Wild 2006: Daytona Beach. Just AltaVista-ing "ticketmaster sucks" makes me realize I'm not alone. Basic free market economics with regulations on competition = good. Monopolies = bad. Monopoly the Game = good, except that time my dad somehow came back from having $1 and no properties to winning the game. As if!

Finally, on Sunday I was surfing, and getting my mind blown all the while by the man in this video. The two main things to note here are the two girls RIGHT in front of him, neither of which he actually knew (but was evidently about to get to know), and the cool swagger at the end of his bit. For the fact that I turned the camera sideways halfway through, I apologise. For the actual quality of the video I apologise, it was my digital camera. But for the quality of the beach karate, I do not apologies.

I do not apologies.