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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Six Stages of Man

Since I am limited to the paragraph width of this blog, I won't be able to lay out the structure of the surfer taxonomy but be sure that there is indeed a structure, and all pass through the many branches at one point or another. I will list the types that I have personally identified and cataloged in my short time here in approximate order through which they are passed:

A) Painfully Obvious First Time Outer - This individual can be easily identified by the rented board and wetsuit. The wetsuit is more than likely flourecent and the board is beat up, but not in a way that says look how much I've used it. Usually is quite determined, but mainly because $40 has been dropped on the rental. More than likely never to be seen again.

B) Classic Beginner - At this point the individual has purchased their own gear.
This is just about the only thing that differentiates them from category A. They are also telling people "I surf.". This person is actually standing up on the board 2-3 times a "session" (which has now entered their vocab), but they fall right away. This person is thinking "My board's a bit short I think." or "My board's a big long I think." or "The pattern of my board is preventing me from surfing well I think.".

C) Johnny Go Surf - Things are pretty fun at this stage. The basics have been mastered and you officially don't look like an idiot. This person has moved on to the finer points. Style is becoming a factor. The walk from your car to the beach involves checking out how your bits look in your wetsuit and thinking..."Ok I can live with that." More and more time is spent thinking about surfing while not currently surfing.

D) Mr. Serious - After spending possibly years as a Johnny Go Surf, this individual is now sacrificing many things in their life for the sport. All their friends are surfers. They have several types of boards at this point and the entire collection is being referred to as a "quiver". They have their own spots that some people don't even know about.

E) I'm Not Even From Here Guy - This guy's "not from here". He has a funny accent, but he sure can rip. He probably doesn't have a job and he's so good that at this point he doesn't even bother having specific surfer friends because everyone who sees him surf wants to be his friend. His name is probably Chet or Slater. He probably listens to Atreyu. He is the best surfer you've ever seen and you would love for this man to take you out to a nice restaurant and teach you the secrets of not only surfing, but life itself.


F) Just Quit Already - Mr Just Quit Already can be broken into two categories. Category 1 would be the guy who is 55 and you can see that he's living in his car. He's pretty good...I guess. But he probably stinks and is high. Category 2 is a little better and consist of retired rich older office surfing buddies. Usually pretty clean cut and consistent. Usually wears hats that are still dry after about an hour in the water. They've been doing this "longer than you". They believe that their age
confirms upon them the right to take any wave they want without sharing it. I'm Not Even From Here Guy knows what to do with your typical Mr Just Quit Already 2.

Finally
F) Old Lady in a Helmet - This one is exactly what it sounds like.

Changing topics, someone needs to stop Ticketmaster because things are officially out of control. We are now at minimum 1/3 of the ticket price to actually buy the ticket and it is infuriating. It's like Spring Break Capitalism Gone Wild 2006: Daytona Beach. Just AltaVista-ing "ticketmaster sucks" makes me realize I'm not alone. Basic free market economics with regulations on competition = good. Monopolies = bad. Monopoly the Game = good, except that time my dad somehow came back from having $1 and no properties to winning the game. As if!

Finally, on Sunday I was surfing, and getting my mind blown all the while by the man in this video. The two main things to note here are the two girls RIGHT in front of him, neither of which he actually knew (but was evidently about to get to know), and the cool swagger at the end of his bit. For the fact that I turned the camera sideways halfway through, I apologise. For the actual quality of the video I apologise, it was my digital camera. But for the quality of the beach karate, I do not apologies.

I do not
apologies.

21 Comments:

  • That beach karate is breathtaking. Kind of reminds me of Bruce from Survivor this season.

    What's that? Nobody still watches Sur. . .

    Nevermind.

    By Anonymous chris, at May 10, 2006  

  • I think that this is how kung-fu masters start their training. They do beach karate, get beat up because they look so rediculous, then they have to master real karate to stop from getting beat up at the beach in the first place.

    By Blogger Gareth, at May 10, 2006  

  • Does anyone remember those commercials for that Kung-fu place in Winnipeg where that old guy with the long grey beard would be standing on rocks by the ocean defeating younger, more virile men with nothing but his fists while they attacked him with karate sticks and nunchucks? There was ocean spray all around him and I could never figure out why a place in Winnipeg would film their commercials by the ocean. It was usually on MTN (aka City TV aka A-Channel) after school during shows like Duck Tales and Gooftroop hosted by The Beav and Buckley.

    By Blogger Steve & Gillian, at May 10, 2006  

  • If those commercials were still on now they would air during shows like Relic Hunter, Young Blades, and The Collector. The types of people that watch these shows need to learn Kung-fu. They just need to!

    By Blogger Steve & Gillian, at May 10, 2006  

  • Remember when the Comic Book Guy became "The Collector". That was sweet.

    By Blogger Gareth, at May 10, 2006  

  • Atreyu? I don't buy that for a second. More likely it's some hometown hero band, ie. if he was from Winnipeg his favourite band would be Propagandhi. But only as long as he is not in Winnipeg. Also, I would like photographic evidence of type F.

    ps. read my link... that is funny.

    By Anonymous Blade, at May 10, 2006  

  • HI Gareth, Loved your surfer blog, your "old lady in a helmet surfer" was hilarious, I can just picture her...surfing better than you- now that would be really funny! Did you know your "M.I.L", better known as your mother-in-law, was actually bike communting to work in "JEANS"- the other day- I told her that was so uncool for a serious cyclist ! Take care, you two, and Happy Belated Birthday to Dayna. Donna.

    By Anonymous Donna Dixon, at May 10, 2006  

  • Thanks Donna. And you're right, shame on my mother in law. In a grade 7 track meet I ran the 1500m against a kid from Arden MB who wore jeans. I lapped him. Twice.

    By Blogger Gareth, at May 11, 2006  

  • all my dad has to do is get the light blue properties and he wins everytime. you know with connecticut and such. how about snowboarding in jeans, that's fun, its kind of like trying to play badminton in gym class and the kid your playing has the 1-piece carbon fibre yonex and all you've got is the half wooden-half metal Voit with shoelaces for strings.

    By Anonymous clitke, at May 11, 2006  

  • Donna, thanks for sharing and you too Gareth. It was my 1st commute of the year and I wasn't thinking.....clearly.
    Speaking of old lady in helmet, did you get the birthday card I sent you yet? Hope you still wear socks.
    Gareth, always enjoy reading your blog, keep it going.

    By Anonymous M.I.L., at May 11, 2006  

  • I don't know the lay of the land but I would think any theatre bearing Mr. Fonda's name would be a pretty classy place. Is this venue villainy on the same order as Black Sabbath in the Centennial Concert Hall? Great show. Really loud! Or is the Henry only about as classy as the Burton? Huh?, pardon?, what did you say?

    By Anonymous AL, at May 11, 2006  

  • Um, I ride to work and school in jeans at least 300 days a year, +30 and -30. I also play softball in jeans when it's a little cold out. I think all serious athletes should switch to jeans. Tight ones. With at least 2% spandex in them. Those are the most comfortable. Trust me.

    By Anonymous chris, at May 11, 2006  

  • women's jeans you mean. not that there is anything wrong with that.

    By Anonymous clitke, at May 12, 2006  

  • Maybe. Good luck finding good men's jeans with stretch.

    By Anonymous chris, at May 12, 2006  

  • You guys may not realize it, but you know someone who is a jean expert. He pays several hundred dollars for jeans that you're not supposed to wash for 8 months. He's hands-down the best baseball player on the team.

    By Blogger Gareth, at May 12, 2006  

  • "my beach, my wave, my girl, so f--- you!". Linnaean suborder Surf Punk

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 12, 2006  

  • "hot eats, cool treats, we treat you right!"
    -Dairy Queen

    By Anonymous clitke, at May 13, 2006  

  • Shouldnt people be aware of a true slime?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 13, 2006  

  • Maybe a Memorial Day Weekend Edition we can look forward to?

    By Anonymous chancesare, at May 25, 2006  

  • Or a special Victoria Day post. Just joking. You missed it. Happy Victoria Day guys.

    By Anonymous chris, at May 25, 2006  

  • ya you should spend your memorial day blogging instead of surfing cuz that makes more sence. because i NEED your blog.

    By Anonymous ryan, at May 28, 2006  

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