We's in California

new blog.

2007-03-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Is here. Worst. Blog. Name. In a while.

That John Denver was full of sh...

2007-02-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

I am currently nested in my very own house in Winnipeg, Manitoba; it is a very snowy February night. We made it back to Winnipeg without making any wrong turns that took us halfway across the country in the wrong direction. We then went to Germany and Austria for 3 weeks to visit family.

This is what happened.

We've moved back to Winnipeg into the house we bought, are fixing it up, and I started working in downtown Winnipeg. I was REALLY close to moving back to LA (Irvine) to work for a video game company that currently makes the world's most popular MMORPG. I ended up getting flown down there for an interview and was offered a job. It would have been an absolute dream for me but I ultimately decided against it, many of the reasons why are found in what I've written in this weblog. It was the hardest decision I've had to make and I learned a lot about myself.

I have some thoughts about our trip which I will discuss on a yet to be named weblog I'll be starting in a few weeks: I will post it. The focus of the weblog will be about the role of women in Italian society between 1520 and 1525. Actually I don't think it will have a specific theme but will be about topics that require more thought and discussion in the public realm and will more than likely contain posts with slightly offensive titles such as:

March 5 - "We Love To Hate Winnipegers Who Move To Alberta And Although I Realize We Love To Hate Them I Still Do"
March 14 - "Asians Love Basketball"
March 22 - "I'd Be Fine With Stephen Harper Being The World's Supreme World Commander of the World"

... and so on and so forth. Any and all animals will be painted.

You're dialed in to "THE BUZZARD!!!!!"

2006-12-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

We are somewhere in Kansas right now, but I'm not exactly sure where. As I've been driving two 12+ hour days it's been a bit of a blur but I do know:

1) The worlds largest meteor crater is somewhere in Arizona but costs $15 to see. Doesn't the worlds largest meteor crater sounds like something that should be in the public domain? It is in fact one of the many "World's Largest" that we've seen along the way, many of which are probably the "The World's Only Example of a Larger than Normal X", X being dreamcatcher, ball of yarn, etc.

2) Somebody has re-recorded Tom Cochran's 1991 hit "Life is a Highway" and it is quite popular on the AM dial in northern Texas. When my best friend in grade 5 finds out he's gonna be pissed.

3) 93.9 "The Buzzard" in Kansas plays exactly the kind of music you would expect it to.

4) Most of the hotels on the I-56 in Kansas are in fact motels that look like soon after you check in you'll discover that you share birthdays with all of the guests in the motel and soon your night decends into a dillusional dream of murder and intrigue only to awaken to reality in the morning.

5) When it snows in New Mexico the state shuts down.

6) Most small farm towns in Arizona, New Mexico, northern Texas, and Kansas are hanging by a thread as corporate farms continue to do that funny thing they do.

7) Seeing high density feedlots leak their poison into the American heartland reminds me why I call myself a vegetarian but still eat meat once a week or when nobody I know is present.

Got to go: COPS is on.

Like I said...

2006-12-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

My hands were cold.

We's in California for 2 more weeks.

2006-12-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

We came, we saw, I lost my keys a few times. LA was a great experience but there aren't many reasons we can think of to stay here. As negative as I've generally been about the city, we really have met some great people here and are sorry to leave for that reason. We are driving back to Winnipeg and will hopefully arrive by Christmas Eve. Instead of going through the Rockies, we'll drive to Texas then hang a left. I'm not sure if I'll be continuing to write the weblog when we're in Winnipeg.

I'm going to be on Leno tommorrow playing the violin. My hands were cold.

Van Nuys at Night

2006-11-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

Since we already broke rule #1. Don't Live in Van Nuys, I thought I may as well break rule #2. Don't Be Outside in Van Nuys Past Dusk Wearing All Black (Even Your Hat) Carrying a Camera with No Lights on Your Bike.
The whole San Fernando valley is surprisingly dark at night, considering the sizeable population. Major streets run in perfect symmetry, cutting the valley into a perfect grid and are well lit, but the moment you turn off onto a street with houses, it turns pitch black. This is a typical street in Van Nuys at night. Look at that picture of nothing, amazing I know.

This is an intersection I cross regularly on my bike. Every morning it makes my day to see 37 shopping carts strewn about the grass by the bus stop. Apparently this issue has been brought to the attention of the civic gods of Van Nuys, and there's a hotline floating out there somewhere that you can call to get shopping carts picked up within 24 hours. I'm thinking of calling it and reporting these particular offending carts, recording my voice during the conversation, then buying an auto-dialer, then programming it to dial in at 6 am every morning so that when I ride by on my bike at 8 I quit blacking out and falling off from flashbacks of pushing carts for K-Mart in Brandon when I was 15. The people who do this need to be held responsible. But I digress. Often.

Around the corner we emerge upon another great Van Nuys institution: The Spearmint Rhino. If you've had a rough day at the office and consider yourself a gentlemen of higher social and moral standing, you will not stoop to the level of the other 17 strip clubs in Van Nuys, you will head straight to the Rhino. The parking lot looks suspiciously like the one in front of a Calabasas strip mall. That's weird. This must be the type place where hot babes are just dancing to pay their way through college. Since 1993. Must be med students.

If Winnipeg taught my anything, it's that businesses in any industry with the word "adult" in it is situated in a predominantly industrial part of town, and here it is no different. With auto mechanics, warehouses, and the like stretching out from the epicenter that is our second floor apartment, you never knows what you will stumble across in your wanderings through the industrial wasteland. Behold a graveyard of K-Mart K's.

With that, as if ordained by the stars, we return to the subject of K-Mart for the second time in one post: surely a sign of profound writing. And speaking of the profound, Here in Van Nuys has been added to my (horribly outdated and untended) blogroll because he keeps me in the know, Van Nuys style. I stole an orange from his tree when he wasn't looking. Thanks Andrew.

Nobody here knows what a tuque is.

2006-11-10T02:27:00.000-08:00

They've never heard of it. A Canadian from Ontario says they all called it a "sock hat".

Cults: Good or Bad?

2006-11-02T23:24:00.000-08:00

Until we moved out here I never realized how many famous cults came from and continue to come from California. I guess a lot of them arose from the "let's do weird stuff" vibe of the 60's, and I hear the 60's were pretty big here. Off the top of my head I can think of several: Charles Manson, Heaven's Gate, Prius owners, and Jim Jones. And I'm not event into cults! In order to learn more about cults and to educate myself to perhaps one day prevent myself from joining a cult unawares, we went to see Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple at the Nuart, a movie house in Santa Monica.
Intermittently you can tell that the film industry is still active in LA, as the director of the documentary, the editor, a former member of the People's Church, and someone who's aunt died in Jonestown were present at the screening and interacted with the audience after the movie. Films about Jonestown have been made before, but apparently this is the first one to fairly portray those involved. Many others basically followed the formula: Man starts cult, man tricks stupid people, people commit mass suicide and murder. This film seemed to make the point that nobody just up and joins a cult, and I think they have a point there. You join a movement, or a student group, or in this case a church that became very very paranoid about the CIA, FBI, and the US government. I'm certain that many of the seemingly extreme bizarre cults that come and go seem very normal at the start but eventually you get in over your head and it becomes harder and harder to leave until it's too late. I know from experience, I used to belong the Winnipeg Microsoft .NET users group. Computer joke, just trust me, it's hilarious.

For my generation Jonestown is a vague story as it happened 3 or 4 years before we were born and I can't ever recall ever talking about it with someone my age. I'm sure that for most of us all we really have as a frame of reference are those terrible pictures of hundreds of dead people lying around in bright colored clothing. I never knew the details of what happened and watching them slowly come out in this film is quite an affecting experience, which culminates in the playing of a horrifying audiotape of that final day. Next time you're thinking of watching Miami Ink because there's nothing else on: watch this movie. Unless it's a new episode then, you know, weigh your options. Now that I think about it watch Miami Ink, you can always rent the movie.

Mattresses. On Kester.

2006-10-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

The recent arrival of mattresses to the sidewalks of Van Nuys has sparked alot of debate in the community. Many children have dissappeared in the night, and the number of mattresses lurking in the shadows grows with every hour. The violent nature of Kester Ave sidewalk couches, though they have known to be even deadly at times, pales in comparison to the Kester Ave mattress. Here we see the cunning nature of the sidewalk mattress as it hides behind the "bushes" (aka: street weeds) across from our apartment: lurking, waiting.....hungry.

Note the shiny BMW beside the abandoned lot, rotting furniture, and gang spray painted fence. It's more Los Angeles than Los Angeles.

And here's a picture of illegal immigrants getting a ticket for selling flowers on the side of the highway for cash. I suppose the previous sentence probably makes you angry no matter which side of the debate you're on. Talk amongst yourselves I guess. I just lay it out there....

Tommorrow, being Halloween, will not be as good at it usually is back in Winnipeg. I will definitely miss all the obscure and sarcastic costumes everyone comes up with, and I know that the short tight green shorts I manage to work into my costume each year will be sorely missed as well. But in keeping with the sarcastic spirit of a Winnipeg Halloween party, I will be going to the office as a Mac user. "Messy" hair, factory-ripped jeans, stubble, white headphones, etc. I do not expect it to go over well, and neither do I expect anyone there to get it. But that's ok because you know, I'll be working on my blog, editing a skate video, mixing some acid jazz music on my laptop, you know whatever.

A Dissertation in 2 Parts: The Currency of the Future and Learning Past The Age of 25: Possible or Unpossible?

2006-10-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

Part 1
Many many many many people in LA cite the fact that "Well, I have a pretty good job" as the only reason they are living here. LA is indeed great for jobs and if you were a classy bloke from the 30's, you would probably exclaim that "Jobs abound in Los Angeles". In Dayna's case it doesn't make any difference since she's a nurse and there is a large shortage in the US. Because her hospital is a terrible place to work (and will be closing in the near future due to certain, ahem, social factors) they are trying their best to retain and recruit nurses to little avail. One of their incentives, rather than provide a safe and manageable working environment, is to give you a super sweet Ford Mustang.

Sign a 2 year contract: free Ford Mustang for 2 years!

Deliver over 40 babies on your shift: you've been entered in a draw for a Ford Mustang!

Feeling helpless from handling twice as many patients as you're legally allowed to: It's Ford Mustang time.

Your average nurse in LA is a 45 year Filipino mother of 4. What she really needs right now is to be able to retire at a decent age, not what Vanilla Ice drives with the rag-top down so his hair can blow. This really begs the question: Are Mustangs the new currency? In 20 years we very well may be saying things like:

"Did you hear about Jer's new job?"
"Yeah that's pretty cool, I heard he's making over six and a half Stangs a year!"
"That's awesome, he's a good guy."

OR

".00119, .0012, .0013, .0014, .0015 makes .002 Mustangs. Thanks for shopping at Kmart."

Part 2
I know I've talked about the fact that I'm learning to play the violin before, but I would like to take this opportunity to again express how bloody hard it is to play. This fact may very well be the only reason I continue to slog away making actually very little progress for the amount of time I've invested. This may be an arduous and foolish journey I've embarked on since anybody I've talked to that plays at a proficient level has been playing since they were 10. The attraction for me is to see if it's possible to learn something completely new at my age. If one thinks about how many genuinely new things the average person learns before the age of 25 (which is the threshold I've just crossed) compared to skills learned after that age, it becomes quite clear what's going on. I am trying to figure out if this is a result of our general disposition as adults or rather an actual mental and physical inability to do so.

I recently had the opportunity to see a classical quartet play a concert of baroque music and the violinist was amazing. World class. All I could think of while watching her was how many hours, days, and years have been invested into that single skill. And at the risk of sounding cliché, you don't see that much anymore. Perhaps I'm not appreciative of the skills that I already posses. I suppose you don't become a C# .NET software developer overnight. I takes many many years of memorizing acronyms for bad technologies that still sound good in an interview. VB, C++, AJAX, MSRS, NCAA, NAACP, KKK, the list goes on.

PS: I know a girl who when she punches, she punches like this:

Most girls punch like this. Notice the position of the thumb. That doesn't work. You'll break your hand.

I'll have whatever's in that bag.

2006-10-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

This week on the bike path home from Woodland Hills to Van Nuys a person on a bike far ahead of me threw their Gatoraide bottle on the ground when they finished it. He was on one of those weird high bicycles with the pedals 3 feet off the ground and the super high handle bars. Tired of the insane amounts of pure garbage lining the streets of our neighborhood, I picked it up and and, going one more block that I needed to, stopped at the next stop told him "Excuse me, you dropped your bottle." It was at that point I noticed his gangbanger t-shirt, a small suspicious looking duffle bag on his handlebars, a 3 inch scar on his forehead, and the distinct smell of a life criminal activity and personal failure. I also noticed I had stopped him at part of the Orange Line bike path where there is nothing but concrete walls and nobody else in sight.

He looked back at me and said "I know."

At this point I should have rode away, but instead I said something to the effect of: "Well, it's not really good for the environment or the neighborhood."

To which he replied: "F-ck you, I'll f-ck'n shoot you." and then glanced at the duffle bag hanging off his handlebars.

I guess this is the first time I've been personally received a death threat by someone who was probably carrying a gun. More that being scared I just got really angry and tried to understand why someone's reaction to being told that littering is a bad thing is to threaten them with violence and death. Obviously at that point I turned around and just bike back home, disposing of the plastic bottle when I got home.

The people I've talked to here about this have said things like: "Well, yeah, in LA you don't just walk up to people like that.". I don't buy this and it's a pathetic response. To shrug your shoulders things like that happening your own city means something. And it's not good.

You Haven't Had a Cheese Sandwich Until You've Been To...

2006-10-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

Indianapolis. I really is one great city. It has a vibrant walkable downtown, great affordable houses very close to downtown, and a more than one university close to downtown. We saw some neighborhoods like this one that were 5 minutes from the center of the city and looked like Clear Lake...without those punks from Minnidosa aka "the Dose" wandering the streets. I never realized how great middle America was, compared to LA anyway.

I've been to Minneapolis quite a few times, but only appreciated it as a great city the last time I was there. Perhaps this is because in my youth I used to get so excited about the band I was about to see that I pretty much blocked everything else out. Who could pay attention to the city when you just drove 5 hours from Winnipeg in a blizzard in the middle of January to see Lagwagon?

Indianapolis is definitely a football town. The day we left there was a Colts game and the city was pretty much shut down. For all the apathetic Jets fans in Winnipeg, it proves you don't need "rich people" in a metropolis to support a professional sports team, you just need a city with passion for the team. I suppose the gagigabillions of dollars in NFL television rights helps as well, so what do I know. And don't kid yourself, this is at least 2 hours before the game.

The day we left we decided to drive around and find the part of town that the Indianapolis Board of Tourism didn't want you to see, and I think we found it. The defining characteristic of these areas was the combination of obvious visible poverty mixed with many many gorgeous old houses for sale. I think all the houses for sale has much to do with the families and people wanting to have families that are moving away from places like LA, San Fran, and more expensive places on the east coast to places like Indianapolis where you can
A) afford a house
B) trust the public school system.
C) paint your ass cheeks blue and walk around downtown before the football game with a Bud Light in one hand and your 7 year old in the other.

The cheese sandwich I ordered was so big it would make you drop out of highschool.

Thanks to all for the suggestions on what to see, but we were already back in LA by the time I could check the site. Plus this cheese sandwich took up pretty much the whole weekend so....

LA County Dept of Health and Safety Notice 3847B.22 (rev C)

2006-09-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Although this policy has been followed for quite some time now in Los Angeles, we would like to officially inform you that real cups will no longer be used. So please, no more real cups. Serving coffee to customers in real glass cups will not only lead to swift punitive measures, but also to financial ruin due to the obvious astronomical overhead of purchasing and washing real cups, the loss of respect in your community and, in some rare cases, will result in bleeding from the eyes, ears, and nose.

Recently Dayna and I set out to find a place in the Valley where you can sit down and get coffee in a real cup and wasn't a Starbucks or a Coffee Bean. These two things mutually exclusive to begin with. We've tried this many times before to no avail, which would explain our shock and awe when we found such a place on Ventura Blvd. A small locally owned coffee shop. It had everything we've all come to expect from any local coffee shop worth its own salt:

Badly painted paintings by a painter someone who works there knows.
Mismatched, wait, no, eclectic tables and chairs, each with 13 layers of paint.
The girl behind the counter with short hair and one of those things on her chin.
The huge assortment of herbal tea with flavors like mother earth zen, earthy zen buddha earth, and raspberry femi-choco blast.
The table of asians.
The white unshaven university student in the corner with messy papers all over the place, but all he's been doing for the last 3 hours is playing with his iBook figuring out to get as many local hot babes as possible onto his myspace friends list.

And here's the kicker: paper cups, even if you're not taking it to go.

For shame I say, for shame. Why is this? I've seen this in other coffee shops trying to give off that indie environmentalist chique, but they still use paper cups no matter what. I know in Canada that still even corporate chains like Jim Hortons will actually give you a real cup if you're sitting in. And who can forget the Robbins Donuts cups of yester-yore: beige, yellow and brown with just a hint of cigarette smoke aftertaste. What's that? You say they're recycled? Doesn't matter. Although the environmental concerns do...concern...me, I feel compelled to resist our generation's apparent (and appalling for that matter) disregard for class the public space. Think about it, we are the least classy generation in quite a while. And I can say all this because, you all know, I'm such a classy guy myself. So let's bring back real cup, if not for our children....

I'm writing this on a plane by the way. We're going to Indianapolis for the weekend. It's to see Sufjan Stevens and it's our 2nd anniversary (in that order). When you read this please pray for Dayna, she's sitting beside a plane talker. I was disappointed when I discovered that NWA stands for Northwest Airlines, and not the rap group from the late 80's. Now that would be an airline! I hope there aren't any Snakes on This Plane.

The Mighty LA River.

2006-09-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

The LA river is a river to behold. From Canoga to Compton it carries food, hope, and used needles to those who live downstream. Looking at the LA river makes me think of what a normal river would look like after a nuclear holocaust. I think if I were to be on an environment committee that went around to schools and set up displays about preserving the environment, all I would do is bring a giant picture of the LA river on a poster board. I realize that there are 15 million people in LA and any resources the city has should be put toward essential services, but it seems as though they've just given up on this eyesore. I suppose I'm amazed that water even comes out our tap when we turn it on. Flying over LA on a clear day, you can see massive resevoires somewhere northeast of the city and I for one am grateful.

Last week I was filling out a form at the bank and didn't know the date so I turned to ask the other person at the table and it was Sinbad. He told me it was the 8th. I continue filling out my form and when I got to the counter, the teller said everything looked fine except the date was wrong and that it was the 7th, meaning I had to fill in the form again. I asked her "Is that Sinbad?" She told me that indeed it was and that "...he comes in here all the time." To which I replied "Well then are you sure because, you know, Sinbad over there told me it wa the 8th". To no avail, I had to waste another 10 minutes.

Fill it with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, post haste.

2006-09-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

Finally made it to the LA central library. The interior design is actually quite similar to Winnipeg's new central library. The exterior however, is a bit different as you can see. LA is ripe with art deco buildings, it's awesome.

Like this building here. So art deco.

I"m not sure if it was the smelly bums or the lack of "what's new" shelves on the social sciences floor, but I never stayed the whole afternoon. I did manage to use the self checkout machine, which I must say is a lot better than those ones from the 70's in the Dafoe library that looked like they were going grind your arm into a pulp if you came near them.

In a classic case of overcompensation for the vulgarities of ones youth (which by my count ended forty some days ago), I've been trying to learn the violin since we moved here. And starting a few months ago I've even gone so far as taking lessons. The building on Melrose where I'm taking them doesn't feel like it's in LA. It's quite old by LA standards and has..get this...a small courtyard. From the courtyard a staircase leads upstairs to the main office and a narrow outdoor balcony. Music wafts (There is no other word for it. Really.) through several of the windows lining the balcony while a french mime sits in the corner with a scarf and a glass of wine, and smokes his cigarettes in long slow breaths. Ok that's not true, but I like going there every week. It feels like an actual place, not a 76 or a Jamba Juice.

So today after driving all the way there, turns out the receptionist was wrong and all the classes were indeed cancelled, even though I called earlier to ask. I was in such a sour mood on the way home that not even Jay Leno driving a ridiculous Monty Burns car from the 30's with goggles on could make me smile. Always leave a camera in the car.

There goes Jay into the sunset. You're not funny Jay. Even when I wanted you to be.

Croc hunter: 1832 - 2006.

Weekend, I Prefer the Weekend

2006-08-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

So someone's got one of those hot new messenger style "over the shoulder" bags. And if you're thinking "Hey, if you're so hardcore, why do you wear big ol' crosstrainers to ride a 10 speed?" well don't even think it, because I just bought some guy from Santa Rosa's smelly old cycling shoes off Ebay for $10.

This past weekend we took a trip down to Long Beach, the main point of which was for me to see the harbor where all the goods from China arrive on ships. The scale of the operation was amazing. It's the second largest port in the US and they unload over 18,000 semi truck sized containers a day. That's a lot of semi truck sized containers. There's something about how the ships pull in and the cranes start unloading it one by one that makes you ( or maybe just me) feel like this all just *might* be a few thousand guys just playing around like they're 6 years old. I'd imagine that they just hum and whistle all day and that the ship captain makes engine noises with his mouth when he pulls out of the harbor. The one guy who sits up top and works the crane just sort of over-exaggerates moving the gears back and forth randomly and moves his head side-to-side making squeaky crane noises with his mouth, and all the while the containers are magically loaded on the trucks. There's a whole category of jobs that seem to be basically grown up versions of curious hyper 6 year old boys on a Saturday afternoon. Writing computer programs is not one of those jobs. But it's still awesome. I need to go back for a better look and a tour to verifiy that this isn't actually what's going on. Wouldn't that be something. Dayna was really very good about the whole thing for someone who is not...you know...into really big cargo ships. Next time I'll get some pictures.

This weekend I'm planning on visiting the LA central library branch in downtown LA. So if you think pictures of me in slightly wet t-shirts are amazing, wait until you hear my fantastical tales of wonder about microfiche, hot librarians, and the technological marvels of the self checkout machine. Put me and the Dewey Decimal system the same room and you better bring a helmet. And a digital camera. And a laptop with an internet connection so you can write about it, add the pictures you took, and put it up on a website where people you know can read about it.

Couches on Kester

2006-08-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was very lucky to record a very rare specimen, the red Guatamalan sleep-e-z. Known to inhabit mainly intersections in Van Nuys, it blends in to its surroundings waiting for next tired day worker returning home with a pocketful of hard earned (tax free) cash. Yesterday this particular couch ate 4 people. Already today it appears as though this couch has moved on to another Valley neighborhood, but next summer it will brave the heat and migrate back to Van Nuys for another feeding season as it and other couches like it have been doing for thousands of years.

Oops, I Have a Web Log

2006-08-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today upon finishing my daily after-work Van Nuys ritual of checking my apartment for people that aren't supposed to be inside the apartment, I was suddenly inspired to go to Dayna's work, get the camera from the car, and put some stuff up on the web log. I took some pictures on 4 block ride back home.

I didn't believe Dayna's stories about how many sidewalk couches there were on her way to work. I saw them and I still don't believe it.

Did I say sidewalk couches? I meant sidewalk computers.

Some English person fighting the power. Look carefully. I fought the power already twice this week when I specified my Starbucks coffee size in English not Latin. Hey that's one letter away from Latino. Coincidence? Yes.

This sign is for a corner cell phone store. It actually says "No ID Required!" in Spanish in big letters. Ok?

We went to Winnipeg shorty after the last post for two weeks which was great. Since being back in Van Nuys I haven't posted anything because after putting up with my shennanigans for two weeks I didn't think anyone cared. Turns out they don't, but my mom is getting anxious so here it is.

We missed an apparently insane California heat wave that was hotter than a Chinese toilet and this is what our plants looked like when we got back.

But it was worth it because we got to see this.

And this.

And this.

Home Hardware.
Canada Post.
The horizon.

It was great.

The Second Cool Thing about Los Angeles

2006-07-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

Last week we saw the Shins (aka: The Band Without A Bad Song) and Belle and Sebastian with the LA Philharmonic at the Hollywood Bowl. I promise not to rant and rave about the show itself, whichsoawesomeohmygoodnessthebesti'veever seenandtotallyamazingblahablah, but rather the bowl itself. I think there are a lot of classical concerts held here as well as other contemporary shows and concerts. The premis that everyone seems to be in tune with is that you bring a picnic basket filled with food and wine and have a picnic before and while the show is on.

I almost ate a whole thing of black licorice.

About half the seats are normal but quite spacious, the other half actually looked like they had little tables in front of them. The acoustics: spot on. The crowd: subdued yet responsive, realizing the've been handed something precious and rarely given by anyone in our society, trust from the establishment to consume alcohol brought from home in a civilized and reponsible manner. The whole evening was truly beautiful.

Dayna managed the two best quips of the night:
a) "What is this, Springs?" when the camera did a closeup of the guitar during a solo. (That's a Winnipeg one.)
b) "You would have to." under her breath when the annoying lady behind us informed her friend she would pay $5000 to sleep with the lead singer of the band.

And I think you all know by now what the first cool thing about LA is: It is, of course, the fact that it wouldn't take me long to get a hold of a really really big hat. Let me know.

Sports Muffins!

2006-06-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

Since this will be the first Independance Day we've ever been in the States for, I thought I'd look around online and find out exactly "what it's all about". I dug up the official statements on Independance Day from the US Gvmt and compared them to the statement on Canada Day from the Canadian Gvmt.

The US website states:
"Independence Day honors the birthday of the United States of America and the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. It's a day of picnics and patriotic parades, a night of concerts and fireworks, and a reason to fly the American flag."

The Canadian website states...well it's a little more verbose:

"..proclamation signed by the Governor General, Lord Monck, called upon all Her Majesty's loving subjects..."

".. government has arranged for an annual observance of Canada's national day with the Secretary of State of Canada in charge of the coordination. The format provided for...."

"...The format changed in 1968 with the addition of multicultural and professional concerts held..."

"..A new formula was developed in 1980 whereby the National Committee (the federal government organization charged with planning Canada's Birthday celebrations) stressed and sponsored the development of..."

"...Canada Day Committees are established in each province and territory to plan, organize and coordinate the Canada Day..."

The differences in definitions between Canada and the States are extremely clear, and these exact differences carry over so perfectly into so many other aspects of society it's laughable. There's the good ol' USA, right to the point, doesn't want to confuse anybody because, well, people tend to get confused easily down here. Not much room for nuance and sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's bad. Note the assertion to "Fly the flag, dammit!" On the 4th of July I want to find a good old fashion parade and paint the Union Jack on my bicep. I mean the American Flag.

The Canadian definition obviously leans more in the, ummmm, other direction. Lots of careful, careful, careful planning. Multiculturalism (tm). Committees and more committees. Although I must say the careful planning results in nothing less heartfelt and endearing. I still remember when I was about 6 years old gathering with the entire town (literally) on the outskirts of McCreary, Manitoba and watching the fireworks get shot over Lake Erwin, the very same lake that my friend Kelly Keharski's dad once rode over with a ski-doo.....in the summer.

Both days are pretty awesome so in these partisan days of discussion and debate, give some respek to both where respek is due.
And if life gives you lemons, there's only one thing to do. Make SPORTS MUFFINS! We did!

We Be Fronting the VNB.

2006-06-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

Last night there were two six foot cops in our living room. This whole process began when I fell asleep without locking the apartment door. I was in the living room on the couch because that's where the AC is and someone came in during the night, stole the change jar by our door, stole my wallet, must have walked into the living room, saw me sleeping on the couch, and then took off. So the two LAPD officers in our livingroom last night, they were classic cops: Nice and tall, shiny boots, absolutely no sideburns at all. These are the types of guys I want patrolling the streets. Apparently someone will be by to take some prints on our door in the next few days. I feel like buying a big sombrero hat and when they come I'll say "I don't know officer, but they did leave this " and then dramatically pull out a 5 foot wide hat from the closet. The cops informed us that Van Nuys "is not the greatest area". We also learned about a gang called the Van Nuys Barrios, some Mexican gang who's headquarters are "over there" as he points out window. What? Anyway, I'm looking forward to months of hassle to get another social security card (Canadian and American), drivers license (Canadian and American), and student card which hasn't been valid for 3 years but I was still using to get discounts at movies (Canadian and American).

I know if you're reading this it's really because you want all the details about Code Camp. Let's just say c:\dos\run. I did meet a guy who was married to one of the ladies in the Danielson Family. So not only was he cool by association, but also by demeanor. Armed with this knowledge we then proceeded to make fun of the band that was scheduled to play at Code Camp, despite the fact that the Database Administrator at our table told me that last year they were awesome. I left before they started.

I stopped to try and keep my toes on the nose in Del Mar on the way back, which you can see is beautiful. God Bless California.

ps: I updated my blogroll. Check it.

But I want to take my sweater off. It's HOT!

2006-06-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's getting really really hot here. So hot you could fry an egg. In the summer apparently all the smog from LA seeps down into the valley and just sits there like a big lid keeping us nice and hot. A few days ago it was over 100 degrees. Celcius. Actually Fahreheit but that's still about 38 in Canada degrees. Oi.
As everyone knows there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who have paid $10 for a vodka and orange juice, and those who think it's insane to do so. Ok, there are 3 types of people because I'm actually both of those people now, after paying $28 for three drinks at a concert venue on Hollywood, plus a two dollar tip because the bartender made me laugh when he said $28. I also didn't want to look thrifty, you know, those those kinds of guys who don't pay $9.33 USD for a drink. Why did I do it? My cheap brother's gonna punch me in the face next time he sees me just for doing so, and I deserve it.

I would like to quickly re-visit why I don't like the American coverage of the World Cup, because I think I've pinpointed exactly why I don't like it. The announcers don't just call the game, they give advice. And they have new advice every five minutes. I really don't think someone from Topeka, Kansas has any business giving anyone from the slums of Sao Poalo whose name starts with R and ends in O (which is Brazil's whole team and most of the support staff) advice and soccer tips for 90 minutes. In 2002 on TSN in Canada I fondly remember the announcing as concise, classy, and informed. It also happened to be British. I'm actually cheering for the Amerikans this year. The soccer world would collectively soil themselves if they won, let a lone make the finals (which they won't). Here's a screenshot of how I now watch and record the games. Brilliant and still just pennies a glass. Except for the twenty some hundred dollar computer. I realize now that Dayna and I have jumped about 80 years in technology in one fell swoop seeing as our last TV was I about a 3 inch black and white with that plastic brown fake wood siding and rabbit ears. It was the new model that plays "talkies".

So. If you think you know how to have a good time, I've got a little news for you. You don't. Unless you're like me and are going to San Diego next week for a little something called Code Camp. And if you don't think it will rock, check out the Strat on their web site. It's a Fender. I actually love going to these things because I total nerd. It's going to be me and (hopefully) hundreds of older male computer programmers that know how to read binary speak Klingon. I convinced my work to foot the bill. The only problem is if you look at the schedule of seminars you can see an obvious conflict. Do they honestly expect me to choose between "Object Relational Mapping with Nhibernate" and "EJB 3: A Comparison with EJB 2"?! I mean COME ON! Jer knows that if you ever do have any problems with a computer, the first thing you're going to want to do is make sure your SoundBlaster is working. Anyway I'm going to Code Camp and nobody can stop me.

You know you're in LA when:

You see a car that's painted like a Louis Vuitton handbag.

You know you've been in LA too long when:

You see a car that's painted like a Louis Vuitton handbag, and think it's just fabulous!

Artsy Picture Alert! Artsy Picture Alert!

2006-06-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

I call this one: The End of Print Media.

I call this one: The End of Print Media Where I Actually Get Over the Fence and Partly Ruin My New Asics.

These were both taken from the bike path on the Orange Line you've heard so much about here. Being someone who's obsessed with breakfast diner's, I also enjoy reading a good newspaper at a good breakfast diner. Yet being someone who is 25 years old and does computers for a living, I get 95% of my news from the web and can no longer do this for the next month lest I prematurely catch the score of a game I'm taping. But the pickins for papers are slim in LA for someone like me who has a bent for good reporting. The two most widely available newspapers in LA are the LA Times which 9 times out of 10 has a story about a poor Mexican family in the slums of Guadalajara being supported by an illegal immigrant working in LA , or La Opinion, the Mexican version of the LA Times which has the same story, except the La Opinion reporter is the one the LA Times wrote their story about. The NYT is better, but not by much.

Although I've got the recording of the games on our computer down to an artform, American coverage of the World Cup has been as regrettable as expected. As a small consolation there are two announcers for ESPN2 that have British accents, but overuse of British colloquialisms by one of them in an attempt to keep American viewers entertained gets a bit much after 90 minutes. I can only take "puts it in the back of the ol' onion bag" so many times. And this is what American announcers sound like at times:

Commentator 1: "Here's Viera. He plays for Paris St. Germain in Paris."
Commentator 2: " Paris. Now it says here that's in France."

There's also the obligatory explaining of rules throughout the game. Today on ABC someone actually said "Now he doesn't want to get a second yellow, because that means he will get a red and is kicked out of the game." Ugh. I miss Graham Leggit. I seem to remember TSN in Canada getting the real European coverage, not this tripe.

So how about the overtly PC and truly Canadian handling of those dudes in Toronto. Mmmmm, sharia. The other thing Canada needs to get ready for is the breakfast diner Dayna and I and an unidentified Korean-Canadian girl are going to open. The special: The Peotry Slam. That's two eggs bacon, and a side of lesbian angst. Yes! But seriously, we want to open a breakfast diner. Peace out.

So a Muslim, a Christian, and Jew walk into an authentic 50's diner....

2006-06-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

That title is just there to grab your attention. So now that I have you, let's dive into how I'm going to watch the World Cup this year.

I have not had a TV for over 4 years up until 2 days ago. This all began in university when I, and I'm not sure exactly how to word this, had no money. After a while a realized that what I had lost in hours a week of watching mostly rubbish, I had actually gained in time to pursue more worthy endeavors like how to move apartments 5 times in 4 years. In addition this afforded me the opportunity to inform 3rd year sociology major girls that "Oh, I don't actually have a TV.". I immediately became one of the coolest dudes in the class. Until I wrote this. Note the subject matter then just skip to my relevant credentials at the end of the article. Beautiful.

For the last 2 years I've been able to tell people we don't have TV when in reality we download many of shows we know we want to watch which makes it slightly better because at least we've deliberately picked our own poison. But then comes the World Cup and this time around I'm without a brother who compulsively tapes every game and snaps if he finds out the score before he watches it. So last week I poked around the web for a while I realized we are not at the point where we can subscribe and watch the games live online. After personally vowing to change this for 2010, I bit the bullet and called up Adelphia (the local So-Cal TV provider in Van Nuys) and am now plugged into the highway. The information super-highway that is Cable TV. It's running into the back of our computer through a usb "thing" and I will be able to tape every game. And now that we have TV in the apartment you may notice my thoughts become more repetitive and my vocabulary a lot more....worse. After coming back to having cable TV, I've noticed that every show on every channel has worked a gay guy fixing something into the premise.

And what's a blog entry without me talking about the neighborhood. The image on the right is:
A) A Guatemalan farmer scything himself space for homestead on the outskirts of Huehuetenango.
B) A Mexican cowboy in 1425.
C) A guy in the empty lot across the street from us.

My next post may be about computers and how funny it is to Dayna and I that people can refer to any field in which technology is engaged as "computers". For example: "Dayna, what does your husband do?". "He is working for a health care company writing an online medical record system.". "O yeah, my husband is also in computers". What does that mean!? "He's in computers." Ridiculous. He could work in a Radio Shack or he could be the guy who started Yahoo. Or better yet "He does computers". Again, ridiculous.

"What do you do?" "Computers." "Ok, here's a gun because that answer made no sense."

But what is amazing about living in California is that if we're looking for a product online we never have to wonder if they ship to California because chances are they're from California. And people here actually use Craigslist. It's quite amazing. On Ebay half the items I look at I can pick up in my car as opposed to haggling a $75 shipping fee to Winnipeg, Mb, Kanada.

So a Muslim, a Christian, and Jew walk into a Streets concert at the Henry Fonda Theatre this Saturday. Oh man I've got a Hackney accent already. Or is it Cockney?

Dodging the draft one week at a time.

2006-05-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

We got a fresh taste of Canadiana last week when we went to BC to visit my sis and her husband. I somehow managed to smooth talk (ie: quiver my chin, sniff a few times, and pee just a little bit in my pants) my way past both the US and Canadian border agencies without a passport or a proof of citizenship of either countries. This proves my theory which I am constantly presenting to Dayna that I would make a really good spy.

We covered most of the bases: Hike in the Rockies, Grandville Island in Vancouver, golf and a dog show. We learned that only people with dogs in the show ever really go to the dog show, but it was still awesome. Vancouver sure is creeping inland. It's sad to see 75 year old farmhouses get surrounded by new suburbs and mansions filled with 6 Indian families a piece, but I suppose people need to live somewhere. Above we see Gareth intently following his shot from almost in the bush as it goes directly into the bush. After this I ran and jumped onto a moving golf cart in a very spy-like manner.

Talking to friends in Winnipeg it sounds like the movie biz is really swinging into full gear there. It's funny that star sightings seem to be on the rise in Manitoba, but here in LA all we've seen the last few months is a minor character from Gilmor Girls (Dayna made the spot, really) get up from a table beside us, leave a weak tip, and drive off in a rusted out Jetta. Ouch.

This post is me trying to get myself "back on the blog". I did remember Memorial Day and observed it by trying to figure out God Save the Queen on the violin before I was distracted by an episode of Arrested Development. Mark if you ever read this I am so so sorry it took me so so long. Today was the American Memorial Day but being in Van Nuys most people are actually Mexican so other than listening to NPR sadly we didn't hear or see alot.

Although spy training and yoga master parties in Beverly Hills have really been cutting into my weeknight blogging sessions I promise the next one will be about something. Wait for it....no no no....wait....

"Well you wouldn't be so tired if you weren't up IM-ing all night." - I recently overheard those extact words

The Six Stages of Man

2006-05-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Since I am limited to the paragraph width of this blog, I won't be able to lay out the structure of the surfer taxonomy but be sure that there is indeed a structure, and all pass through the many branches at one point or another. I will list the types that I have personally identified and cataloged in my short time here in approximate order through which they are passed:

A) Painfully Obvious First Time Outer - This individual can be easily identified by the rented board and wetsuit. The wetsuit is more than likely flourecent and the board is beat up, but not in a way that says look how much I've used it. Usually is quite determined, but mainly because $40 has been dropped on the rental. More than likely never to be seen again.

B) Classic Beginner - At this point the individual has purchased their own gear. This is just about the only thing that differentiates them from category A. They are also telling people "I surf.". This person is actually standing up on the board 2-3 times a "session" (which has now entered their vocab), but they fall right away. This person is thinking "My board's a bit short I think." or "My board's a big long I think." or "The pattern of my board is preventing me from surfing well I think.".

C) Johnny Go Surf - Things are pretty fun at this stage. The basics have been mastered and you officially don't look like an idiot. This person has moved on to the finer points. Style is becoming a factor. The walk from your car to the beach involves checking out how your bits look in your wetsuit and thinking..."Ok I can live with that." More and more time is spent thinking about surfing while not currently surfing.

D) Mr. Serious - After spending possibly years as a Johnny Go Surf, this individual is now sacrificing many things in their life for the sport. All their friends are surfers. They have several types of boards at this point and the entire collection is being referred to as a "quiver". They have their own spots that some people don't even know about.

E) I'm Not Even From Here Guy - This guy's "not from here". He has a funny accent, but he sure can rip. He probably doesn't have a job and he's so good that at this point he doesn't even bother having specific surfer friends because everyone who sees him surf wants to be his friend. His name is probably Chet or Slater. He probably listens to Atreyu. He is the best surfer you've ever seen and you would love for this man to take you out to a nice restaurant and teach you the secrets of not only surfing, but life itself.

F) Just Quit Already - Mr Just Quit Already can be broken into two categories. Category 1 would be the guy who is 55 and you can see that he's living in his car. He's pretty good...I guess. But he probably stinks and is high. Category 2 is a little better and consist of retired rich older office surfing buddies. Usually pretty clean cut and consistent. Usually wears hats that are still dry after about an hour in the water. They've been doing this "longer than you". They believe that their age confirms upon them the right to take any wave they want without sharing it. I'm Not Even From Here Guy knows what to do with your typical Mr Just Quit Already 2.

Finally
F) Old Lady in a Helmet - This one is exactly what it sounds like.

Changing topics, someone needs to stop Ticketmaster because things are officially out of control. We are now at minimum 1/3 of the ticket price to actually buy the ticket and it is infuriating. It's like Spring Break Capitalism Gone Wild 2006: Daytona Beach. Just AltaVista-ing "ticketmaster sucks" makes me realize I'm not alone. Basic free market economics with regulations on competition = good. Monopolies = bad. Monopoly the Game = good, except that time my dad somehow came back from having $1 and no properties to winning the game. As if!

Finally, on Sunday I was surfing, and getting my mind blown all the while by the man in this video. The two main things to note here are the two girls RIGHT in front of him, neither of which he actually knew (but was evidently about to get to know), and the cool swagger at the end of his bit. For the fact that I turned the camera sideways halfway through, I apologise. For the actual quality of the video I apologise, it was my digital camera. But for the quality of the beach karate, I do not apologies.

I do not apologies.

These houses suck.

2006-05-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

You may not realize it, but these pictures were actually taken from my car, it's true. Now it's not that I don't care about the quality of the pictures on this blog, it's more of a general feeling of malaise mixed with indifference towards the blog as a whole that has been in direct conflict with my motivation in keeping it up to speed. But nevertheless the struggle continues and I fight on, pumping out observation after marginally insightful observation about LA and why it can be and usually is ...... rediculous.

So, the houses. Despite the impressively poor quality of the pictures I managed to get of these houses due to the fact that I was driving, one can still get a feeling of how, ummm, bad and average they are. I guess they're big. But not that big. In the pictures below, that sign at the front of the development used to say "Starting in the 950,000 thousands" a few weeks ago, but these babies must be going like hotcakes because the developers now think they can squeeze a cool million out of the owners to be! This development is just off the 101 by Los Virgenes Road. For those who don't know where this is (95% of anyone who reads this) it's basically the outskirts of LA on the way to Malibu and is quite far from anything remotely cool. I just can't believe that's what a million dollar house looks like now. In Winnipeg I think I saw somebody asking that much for East Kildonan. Am I wrong? Am I wrong here?

Now I don't think everyone has to live in an art-space downtown loft with a rooftop garden and a box of acid jazz records on the windowsill, but these houses are just terrible. It takes a total lack of imagination to build these in the first place, then a lack of integrity to sell them for a million dollars. I believe that every hard workin' family man that has bought one of these houses wakes up at 3 am on the first night in the house and has a panic attack when he realizes what he has just purchased and how much he purchased it for. Then he sneezes and the crappy new drywall falls off the bedroom wall and now is having a heart attack. Then he listens to Massive Attack which puts him back to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and works for 60 years and passes the mortgage on to his kids.

Next week I'm going to break down real life surfers into their different phyla. From how does someonethat big find, nevermind get into, a wetsuit guy to look at my face and how I'm trying not to look really excited by the fact I actually caught a wave guy (that's me), to no seriously, you are 260 pounds and shouldn't be able to surf guy. It's going to be detailed and mostly true. Bye!

See the vegetable man, in the vegetable van.

2006-04-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

There's a line from the new Beck album "See the vegetable man in the vegetable van with the horn that's honking like a mariachi band.". Today it hit me that since Beck is from LA, I'm pretty sure this is about the type of vans that drive around in our very own neighborhood in Van Nuys. It really is pretty much a vegetable man....in a vegetable van. These vans slowely cruise around the city with, you guessed it, vegetables among other types of groceries. The van in our neighborhood signifies its arrival on our street with a fairly loud yet tasteful and dignified rendition of "La Cucuracha" from a grey loudspeaker mounted on the roof. Usually it repeats the tune twice and then people emerge from their homes to make their purchases. I haven't tried to buy anything from said van, because I have feeling I'll get laughed at because I don't speak Spanish.

California really does have it good when it comes to food. One of our favorite things has been the sense of regionality of the food here. The following is a list of major grocery chains and their Manitoban equivilants:

a) Ralphs - This is pretty much Safeway. Kind of expensive, and everywhere. Somehow we ended up with a Ralph's Club Membership Card. This club, like the Safeway Club, is pretty exclusive and only those with a telephone number can tap into the amazing savings to be had. We try not to go, but they are open 24 hours a day. The people behind the meat and cheese counter are always Armenian, it doesn't matter what part of the city you're in. I don't get it, but man those Armenians can shave a block of cheese so thin it looks like Saran-Wrap.

b) Whole Foods - Smaller stores and quite expensive. Sort of like a chain of Vics on Pembina. Here you can find a great selection of sugar-free vegan organic free-range baby seals. Ok, most of the food is organic which is pretty awesome but it's still not really accessible to the majority of the population because of the price. The parking lot is usually filled with BMW's and the isles with desperate housewives. We would go here but it's too expensive. Does that mean we're cheap? Am I stereotyping people who value healthy food and are willing to pay a fair price for it? Is that how you spell "isles"? These questions I cannot answer.

c) Trader Joe's - One of the two places we go. Sort of a slightly cheaper version of Whole Foods. Don't even think about buying the vegetables, read point D for the reason. Trader Joe's has lots of locally sourced foods and the stores themselves are pretty small but have an amazing selection and the quality of the food really high. There is a subtle safari theme which makes buying cookies and a bag of beer nuts on a Sunday afternoon quite an exhilarating experience. They use paper bags and have Cliff Bars. They also have quality wines from Napa Valley.

d) Jons - This place is like Price Choppers on seniors discount Tuesday, but all week and for everyone. Really really good and where we buy our veggies. Not to be confused with the upscale grocery chain "Vons", which must be Jons older, whiter, richer, brother. Jons is the most frequented grocery store in Van Nuys. The price of their fruit doesn't really make sense sometimes: once we bought good oranges at the price of 7 pounds for a dollar. Think about that. Mangos are regularly 3 for a dollar, same with avocados. Jons are the people who use way to many grocery bags, but we clean our conscience once a week buy going to Trader Joe's.

So that's how food works in California. Last week I heard the average home price in LA county reached 506,000 USD. I think that's fair. This milestone has inspired me to show everyone some "I can't believe THAT costs a million dollars" pictures I've got so watch for those. These places make the houses on Wellington Crecent look like a steal. We really do like the comments so keep them coming. (As long as they're not..confrontational.) On behalf of me and Jer's two-handed +3 damage broad sword, thank's for reading.

I went to Las Vegas and all I got was this louzy flyer for sex workers.

2006-04-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

We've now been to Las Vegas, but we took no pictures. I thought that the only way to expose the real side of Las Vegas is not to surrender to it's sights and sounds and obey it's attaque sur les sens, but rather to pause and reflect, translating it's horror and paradoxical beauty through the medium of language and metaphor. And I forgot the memory card for the camera at work.

There are many different facets of Las Vegas that are constantly fighting with each other to leave a worse taste in your mouth than the one before. For us the aspect of Vegas that came out on top was the city itself, rather than something to do with the casino and entertainment industry. Las Vegas is the fastest growing city in the US, which basically means that the whole city is a large suburb. In the desert. The same house is repeated hundreds of thousands of times across the desertscape literally as far as the eye can see. As gas prices go up and up and up I have absolutely no pity for these people who have made their beds even after it's become obvious that this type of living will be unsustainable in the future. Then again each new house is only $150,000 instead of the $500,000 it would cost for one in LA so maybe they're not so dumb after all. It's just scary that this has become the new model for a growing American and Canadian city. Development, development, Walmart, development, development, Home Depot, development, development, megachurch, etc. It is unbelievably gross looking and must be seen to be believed.

It's hard to imagine the people who work in the casinos doing anything but working in a casino. They were definitely born to do just that. I'm sure that in hospital waiting rooms all across America in 1963 doctors were emerging from delivery wards and, after being asked by the husband wether it was a boy or a girl, would have say "I'm terribly sorry but it is neither. Mr. Johnson, I'm not sure how to put this but.....you've had a cocktail waitress.", at which point Mr. Johnson would rush into the delivery room and lay his eyes upon his new child Shyla, who would be clutching a used ashtray in one hand, and a half empty Miller Light with a dollar jammed in the top in the other.

There is one thing we didn't do in Vegas that I plan on doing at some point:

Go to this place.

No, not ELVIS-O-RAMA, the automatic weapon range. There are a few friends I would love to see shooting any number of the guns listed in this ad. Since none of us (I assume) have spent any time with automatic weapons, and even if we were to join the Canadian army we would probably be given guns that look real then when the time came and the enemy were upon us we would find out that we were given super-soakers, I think this is an opportunity that should be siezed. The most memorable guns would the uzie, which would have to be fired with one hand only and in short bursts at a slightly downward angle, and the M3A1 greasegun, which I would like to see Jer shooting with his feet slightly more than shoulder width apart, knees bent with the gun held really low just below his waist, and the only thing moving when he's got the trigger pegged would be his cheeks.

I would love/pay to see that.

The 'Bu

2006-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

Surfrider Beach in Malibu this morning at 6:45. LA is in the distance: check out that sick layer of smog.

Nothing gets you ready for a day at the office like a big salty mouthful of sewer runoff. Anyone got some scope?

Bumper Stickers 101. On the 101.

2006-04-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm going to list the top 5 bumper stickers in Los Angeles. This is not just based on some guy's casual observation, this is data collected, collated and co-agulated through thousands of hours of cutting edge data-collection, collation, and co-agulation technologies, as well as my casual observation.

These are ranked by popularity, not by my personal preference. None of these would make my top five if that were the case. Except for number 5. And number 1.

5) Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes pissing on something.
While it is common knowledge that it takes a certain kind of person to put a sticker of Calvin pissing on something on the back of your car, the history of this phenomenon is perhaps a little more elusive. It all began with Calvin pissing on a Ford sticker... or was it Chevy? No sooner than these stickers were the de-facto decal of Ford (or was it Chevy?) owners everywhere, the tables were turned and Calvin was pissing on the very symbol of the brand of truck that the original sticker owners drove. While this ingenious reversal of fortunes for Ford (or was it Chevy?) owners was perhaps forseeable, what followed was anything but. Calvin was soon pissing on anything: Mazda's, the Toronto Maple Leafs, the NDP, it just didn't matter anymore.
Until yesterday.
Dayna saw Calvin pissing on the word "Drugs". So it seems in the end that the type of people who would put a sticker of Calvin pissing on something have evolved into paradoxical creatures, for on the one hand they have the capacity to understand that doing drugs is something they want no part of, yet on the other hand they are willing to put a sticker of Calvin pissing on something on the back of their cars. It is as though we are living in the world of MC Escher.

4) Anti-Bush Stickers. George, not Kate... I assume.
Although anti-Bush/War stickers are quite common across the US, Canada, and I'm guessing Iran among other places, in California there seem to be more than usual. Bush for Ex-President, "Bush" in a circle with a line through it, Bush Burned and Raped my Village, Bush Stole my Lunch Money, etc. Some are funny, some are annoying. What happens to these when his term is done?

3) The Rodriguez Family.
I had not seen these in Canada before but basically it's a collection of stick-man type stickers, each one representing each each member of the family, with the name of the family underneath. There are tons of these. They are to be found mostly on Hummers, minivans, stretch Hummers and other great family vehicles. With the divorce rate being what it is (84% are the latest figures I believe) these come in packs of 10 so you can add and remove members as you please. What a sad that that must be when mommy tells junior to get some rubbing alcohol and meet her in the garage because daddy won't be sleeping over anymore. There's something I don't like about these stickers but I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe its that sense of family pride. I will dwell and perhaps post it in the comments.

2) I Live Vicariously Through my Child stickers.
As has been mentioned before on my blog, the My Child Was the Boner of the Month at Valley High stickers. Most of them are quite vague and are about being a "superstar" or something similar, which I assume means they're getting good grades and are on their way to paying 30 grand a year at UCLA. Last week I saw a bumper sticker that said "My dog is smarter than your honors student." Depends on the student. Depends on the dog.

Finally, THE most popular bumber sticker in the greater Los Angeles:

1) El Cuchy, 97.9 La Raza.
This Spanish speaking station has also come up in this blog before. El Cucuy is the host. From what I understand, radio stations give out prizes to people with their sticker on the car, right? These guys must be giving out some serious prizes then. Maybe if you're sporting a 97.9 La Raza sticker, they pull you over and give you a free fake US visa, which is nice because it saves you a $100 dollars and trip to East LA.

There you have it, I wrote this at work.

1,2,3,4, immigration, facial scarring, sharks, and The Dude.

2006-03-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

ONE:
I'm not really sure how big a deal this is in Canada right now, but there has been a lot of noise here in the States and especially in LA about the new US immigration bill that basically sets out to make illegal immigration illegal. The proposal basically is to not only make it easier for low skilled workers to come to the States to work legally, but to also give citizenship to millions of illegal immigrants who have already been here for a while, (which Dayna or I would never ever have a shot at by the way). If we wanted it. After the protest of about 1/2 million people in downtown LA over the weekend, on my way to work on Monday I saw about 40 latino highschool kids walking down the boulevard holding signs about the bill. All this week Mexican/Mexican-American highschool kids have been walking out of schools and onto freeways to protest and also replacing American (as in the America that is giving them a free education and health care, yes I said health care, which they wouldn't have a sniff at in Mexico), with Mexican flags outside their schools.

Dayna and I, who have just legally moved down here as skilled (I'd like to think so anyway) but technically one year temporary workers in the healthcare and IT industry, have had to spend literally months filling out forms, waited anxiously for legal documents in the mail, have driven down to the Mexican border no less than three times to wait hours in the sun outside the immigration office, and worst of all once before I got my California driver's license I was refused the right to purchase a lighter at a gas station! I guess it feels like right now it's almost impossible to move here legally, but it seems fairly easy to get by and receive citizenship once your come here illegally and use services other people pay for for a few years. Once you hop the border you're home free, which is not to be confused with "making a run for the border" which involves skipping 3rd year comp-sci classes at the U of M twice a week and driving to that Taco Bell near the Macs and the Liquid Lounge. Or is it the Lava Lounge? You know the one.

TWO:
If you don't personally know me, at least you may have discerned by now that I'm in my 20's, have learned to both read as well as write, and can tie my own laces (unless they're on my skates, which is a whole new ballgame). So then why on Monday did I test to see if then iron was hot by holding it close to my face and accidentally burning myself? I really wish I had a short witty answer for that. I think the real answer is that I'm a complete idiot.

It's the kind of thing that you sort of have to bring up and explain to people at the office. Either they know you ironed your own face, or they think you get in crazy knife fights on the weekend, which I do not. Apparently I iron shirts on the weekend. And my face.

THREE:
I bought a little book that lists most of the spots in California and Hawaii to surf. For each spot it shows where the break is, directions to get there, and info about conditions, best times to go, etc. One of the spots it described as "sharky" during the fall. I thought it seemed a bit casual to be talking about the fact that you may have your torso snapped in half by a 15 foot animal with about 9 rows of teeth as "sharky". Is this how real surfers talk about these things?

So how was surfing today?

Pretty good. Bit sharky. Still pretty good though.

Hot Dang!

FOUR:
It's really fun to go to showings of movies that have been out for a few years. The audience is completely in tune with the film because not only have they seen it before probably many times, but they like it enough to gather with others and see it again. We saw the Big Lebowski this week at a small theatre on Beverley. Aside from confirming my belief yet again that it has the best opening ten minutes of any movie ever, Van Nuys gets it's named dropped like it's, well, hot. After The Dude's car gets stolen it turns up in a parking lot in Van Nuys. In movies it seems like you could almost always replace the words "Van Nuys" with "A Poo And Pee Filled Poo Hole on the Edge of Town" and you would get the same effect desired by the writer. Anway, we missed this earlier this year which looks pretty fun.

We're coming back to Manitoba the last two weeks in July so, you know, get really excited for that.

If you don't love this post then you don't like blogs.

2006-03-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

California is a source of many forms of culture that get disseminated throughout the world. Music, film, technology, surf culture, skateboarding, and leasing cars you can't afford. But what you'll find is that these things last in the culture long after they fade away in the rest of the world where these things have been adopted rather than developed.

It sounds cliche but those who live in Winnipeg know by now that trends:
A) Are never invented in Winnipeg.
B) Come and go quicker and quicker every year.

This is true from the UG boot, to Limp Bizkit, to the jacket with fur on the collar, to the mega-big sunglasses, to the wearing really short and tight shorts every Halloween fad that I started a few years ago.

The main thing all these trends have in common is that, after being disseminated by Much Music, Teen People, The Aboriginal Peoples Television Network ( in the case of the feathered headdresses you will all be seeing on the hip freshmen at the couches in University Center at the U of M next September), they disappear as quickly as they came. One good example is that unless you live in some California surf town, owning a big sunbleached mop of surf hair and talking like a Ninja Turtle means you're stuck in the early 90's. But those people still exist where it was started. I'm also confused with a lot of the music radio stations. I was surprised at how much Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Offspring that's played. Grunge and popular early 90's punk was mostly a west coast thing (yes, mostly Seattle of course) and really seems to have stuck around in these parts in at least some forms of the media. But in this case it may due to the fact that there is just a larger audience here, who knows.

Let's see, what else was created here, was really popular even in small town Manitoba, then went away, but is still big here? How about Apple computers. They were big in the early 80's even in Neepawa, Mb. but I don't think you can really get them now other than places in California.

I got hit on my bike last week by a car while I was biking on the bike path beside the Orange Line. I immediately called the law offices of Slippe, Falle & Sioux. Acutally people were voicing their safety concerns last year when they first built the busline because car drivers were crashing into the busses because they weren't used to the new sets of traffic lights on their street that crosses over the busway.

Remember those animals you put in water and they get 100 times bigger? They don't work anymore.

Did you hear about the two antennas that met on a rooftop?

2006-03-15T16:47:00.000-08:00

They fell in love and after much consideration decided to have a wedding. The ceremony was beautiful but I heard the reception was horrible.

That goes out to Al and Tim, who hopefully read it.

I love to ride my bicycle. I love to ride my bike.

2006-03-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

Now that work is a little bit closer, I've been riding the bus to and biking back from work. If you too were to ride a bike through the San Fernando Valley it may look a little something ... like ... this.

I finally have a picture of the Orange Line, which is a bus/bike/walk/meet in the middle of the night to buy small bags of icing sugar-way that runs from Hollywood to somewhere that's not Hollywood. I saw someone hanging around the busway a few days ago who walked back to his car after buying a little bag of icing sugar from another baker in a black Monte-Carlo. And it was 11:30 at night. It's wierd because there was a big grocery store around the corner with really big bags of icing sugar. I guess we've all been there, you're making a cake late at night, you take it out of the oven, then oops, no ici....you get my point.

I believe the Orange Line is very similar to what they've been proposing in Winnipeg since...June 21, 1919. Bloody Saturday. It seems to work pretty well, and it's only $1.25. I could definitely see one of these buses cruising south beside Pembina Highway, although I think that accordian section thing in the middle seems like it would snap in the cold. Unless you never turn. Maybe they could just make a new one for every run, then when it gets to the final stop at the Log Cabin McDonalds, everyone gets out and the bus driver pushes it into a big hole. Problem solved.

Don't be fooled, this ranch is completely surrounded by malls, houses and offices.
Rumor has it that the whole Valley looked like this less than 60 years ago. Then again I heard a rumor in grade 2 that Vanessa Gillis had a crush on me. We know where that ended up. Gareth's left sitting in the corner alone with little knee pads sewn into his sweatpants while Taras Turko heads to the jungle gym with Vanessa wearing his wicked jean jacket. Now I've got the jean jacket Taras, I've got the jean jacket.

Close to this massive field of perfect grass that is sold off to the highest bidder is an elementary school with about 5 acres of beautiful black asphalt for the children to play on. Maybe they take field trips to see the grass: "Wow Mrs M! What is it? Can we walk on it?", "Heavens no children, this is 'grass' and it's for looking only." I don't know, fight the power I guess. I would have taken a picture of the school but just as I pulled the camera out I realized a sure way to end up cell mates with a guy named Jared is to take pictures of children at a school from across the street.

Especially if you're wearing these running slacks all the while.

I am still trying keeps this blog readable for people who don't know us and may still be interested in how two young prairie Canadians moving to Los Angeles experience and interpret the bohemoth that is America.

So here are my apologies: If I don't know you, then sorry for the personal day to day (I guess it's more week to week) garbage I dump here. And if I do know you, then sorry for trying to sound smarter and more insightful than you know me to be.

Other than Dayna coming into contact with a girl who has "Welcome to the Jungle" tattooed just above her crotch, that's pretty much it.

Dude, Where's my Film Industry.

2006-03-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

So the Oscars just happened. While Dayna's family visited us here we walked around the Kodak theatre earlier in the week while they were setting up the red carpet. I'm proud to say that I was able to last until Monday night without knowing who won a single award. I just really, really don't care. I care about not caring about the Oscars.

Since we moved here we've met a quite a few people involved in the film industry and, being Canadian, we always get a few jabs (that may be silent J, I'm not sure) talking about how Canada is stealing all the film jobs. I used to just give a laugh, a nod, and say something about how a Hollywood Hunk comes to Winnipeg a few times a year and we get articles like the Winnipeg Sun's infamous "Richard Gere Pee'd Here". But this past week a guy named Al made me realize that I don't have to take that crap anymore. All I really need to do in defense to the majority of these people is ask them how much their houses/apartments are worth. It just doesn't make sense that someone is paying out the nose to live in LA and at the same time complains that Canada is stealing jobs where films can be shot for 1/2 the price. Anyway, I guess I hope none of them read that.

We also drove to San Diego this weekend. There are a few amazing beach towns between LA and San Diego that are accessible by....train! We will make this trip soon and report on passenger rail travel in North America. In Canada rail travel has been relegated to thousand dollar vacation type trips, but it in the US there are a few places along the east and surprisingly the west coast where the railway is a legitimate mode of transportation. We'll see if the age old saying "In the land of the cars, the one-eyed man on the train is king." is more than just the sentimental credo of a generation gone by.

The trip was highlighed by a few classic "Canadian prairie family road trip through urbanized California" moments such as
A) "Hey look that's Jamie Fox! Oh...wait a second...no...that's just a black guy in a Porche".
B) "Hey look that's Jamie Fox! Oh...no...black guy in a Porche again."
C) "Hey look that's Jamie Fox! Oh...wait, that's my father in law."

The San Diego Zoo is world class. Here is a picture of a bus full of rubbernecking lazies that were waiting for a squirrel to cross the road.

Awesome.

Mo-ka-la-ka-li-ki, come on you wanna...

2006-02-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

So the So-Cal surf scene is pretty lame. Some places, according to some people, if you're not a local you shouldn't be on the the specific beach in question. There are several criteria that disqualify you as being a local, but these same criteria do qualify you however to have your ass kicked if you try surf there and are as follows:
1) If you have to drive down a certain road to get to a certain beach.
2) If you have to drive a car at all to get to the beach
3) If you make more than minimum wage
4) If your name's not Curtis,

Etc, etc. I haven't experienced the wrath of these idiots but the few times I've been there haven't been many people around. If you look around on the web on surfing newsgroups and the like you'll find it all there. I think with other board sports (skate-snow) this mentality exists, but it's not nearly as bad as surfing. Anyway, I still suck really bad and when I do actually stand on my board it's about 2 seconds before I "eat the foam". I was so sure my skateboarding skillz would carryover to surfing....oh wait they did.

Sadly my daily weekday trips to Calabasas will be coming to an end as our office is moving to Woodland Hills this weekend. The upside is that I'll be able to take public transport (peace be upon it) to work, meaning that now both Dayna and I will not rely on cars to get to work, and this makes us feel pretty darn good about ourselves.

Yet there are downsides as well. I will be much further than the 1/2 mile from Nick and Jessica's house on Newly-Weds than I used to be, I will never be able to tell people that I work in the town with the first outdoor smoking ban in history (which comes into effect soon), and I won't ever get to hang out again at the Coffee Bean with Winston from from Ghostbusters 2. (He's the black one.) Oh well. I mean Oh Well I don't mind leaving Calabasas, not Oh Well there was a black Ghostbuster. But Oh Well.

Dayna's family is arriving today. That can mean only one thing for me and Al: The In 'N Out Burger. It's an American burger chain that's really good...with a REALLY bad name.

What Ghetto?

2006-02-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Another failed second attempt to find and experience a real LA ghetto. Granted we never took the proper time to explore, as the big R and I merely took a detour through the hood on our way home from a long day of floating around in the water with surfboard, not to be confused with surfing proper. I've buried a picture of the big R sporting a wetsuit with an unfortunate color scheme that he was given in our flickr photos so won't receive as much "guff" over the whole situation.

Dayna and I have driven all over LA and have yet to feel threatened or uneasy about the surroundings. And this is through places even Canadian prairie boys have heard of (by listening to the West Side Connection in grade 11) like Watts, Compton, Long Beach, Inglewood, and South Central. Is this because these places are merely figments of the media machine's imagination? Does this mean that "drive-by's", "krumping", and Jazz from Fresh Prince don't exist (or was he from Phili?) and are made up to sell cd's and TV advertising? The answer is Yes. Yes they are. End of post. Next week - "Canter's Deli Pastrami Sandwich: Just for Jews? Think again!"

Well of course they're not. But it is because perched upon the great California freeways in the sky in a super-awesome black 4 door Mazda 3 (just the sweetest car ever) all you can see are rooftops, neon lights, and more freeways.

After thinking about this, feeling guilty about my penchant for voyeurism of those who do find themselves ghetto-ized, I realize that Los Angeles is layed out like this for a reason. The stated function of these freeways is to move as many people in the shortest time from point A to point B. The major caveat here is that these people are in cars and probably driving alone. The result of this master plan is that people like us can drive from Van Nuys to Huntington Beach through the most notorious neighborhoods ever and not have to interact with, let alone look at, the people living there. I could commute my whole life through South Central from the suburbs to downtown and never have to look a person from Watts in the face. Perfect!

So why would I care about a neighborhood that, even though I live near, I literally drive "over" to get to all the very important places I have to go. I don't care, and neither does the rest of LA who doesn't have to live there. Once again, I've done a great job at identifying a problem, now if only...

"Love is not miles caged in steel. Or denial at the wheel." Of the few things I truly love and remember in life, that line I read in a book somewhere a few years ago (I can't remember exactly where or when) is definitely one of them.

I guess at the end of the day, all a man can really say for certain is that this doughnut...well...it is way bigger than a normal doughnut.

Happy Olympics. We're Really Stoked For It.

2006-02-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

Last night we wanted to show our visitor the real gritty heart and soul of Los Angeles so we took him to Chilies. Our goal was to find a place that had the Olympics on TV. Because people care more about the Lakers than the Olympics we had to ask our waitress to turn the channel on the one TV we were watching. Not only did we find out that you must change the channels on half the TVs in Chilies to do this, but 5 minutes later half the bar was forced to watch extended coverage of pairs figure skating. Awk....ward. We thought we were vindicated when they switched sports, but it turned out to be 35 minutes of womens half-pipe snowboarding, which should not be an Olympic sport. It's pretty dumb. I shouldn't feel obligated to get "psyched", let alone "stoked", when someone wins a gold medal for doing a trick even I was busting out in 2001 on the jump they built for Youth Encounter at Prov. 360. Whatever.

The winter Olympics are definitely not as big a deal here as they are in Canada. Aside from the obvious fact that it's colder in Canada (duh) apparently one factor is American media's collective hangover from the Superbowl. I believe it. Electronics stores have huge sales drives to sell plasma TV systems just for "the big game"™. People bet big money and their "retirement savings"™ on the Superbowl but still I don't "care"™ for it unless there's a big party with other people who don't really care about the game either. Thus, we didn't watch it.

Tonight we are going to South Central/Compton/Watts to see what we can see. We're bringing Ryan along so if anything gets heavy, there's a big tall white guy with glasses to take all the violence while we drive away unscathed. If I don't post anything about it tommorrow, I'm either dead or lazy.

Links are updated.

2006-02-07T03:02:00.000-08:00

I've added another link that in no way represents the views of the other people in the list . Please please see the zombietime hall of shame. It's the reason I'm still awake and it's 3 am on a school night. I can not get this guy out of my head.

Another sensless victim of a drive-by recycling

2006-02-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

It's quite hard to be environmentally responsible while living in Los Angeles. At least the part of LA that we live in anyway. It's hard for the city to find a common vision of how to deal with problems like these because LA is comprised of many different communities fused together across three different counties. Yet I don't believe this is an excuse.

Other than the fact that you pretty much have to use a car to get to anywhere you want to go, there are other issues as well that stem primarily from the attitude of the general public. I believe I posted a picture here of how bad most grocery stores are with their overusage of plastic bags. Starting right....now, Dayna and I are going to do what we should have been doing all along and bringing our own bags because currently we end up playing an awkward game with the bagger. After he puts one orange in a plastic bag and puts it in the cart, I then grab nine other pieces of fruit, before he can grab them and stick each in it's own bag, and put them in the bag that he had designated for one orange. It's a race that we realize when we get back to the car the bagger always wins. I seem to remember a few places in Canada that at least ask you if you'll be needing bags, which is a great thing. Of course I would probably be an idiot and say "Ummm, actually I forgot my own again so I'll be needing about 30 bags today."

Then there's recycling. Although I've heard that many other communities in LA have the blue box recycling program, we sure don't have it for our apartment building in Van Nuys. So we must resort to storing up our recyclables in a big container then driving it to the depot which, as you can see here, reminds me of a Vietnamese POW camp. The worst part is that they used to only be open Monday to Friday 8-4:30 so Dayna and I tried to just leave it on the sidewalk after hours. This was justified in our minds because you actually get money for bringing your stuff in so technically whoever shows up for work the next day gets some money.
But I'm sure it was still illegal, leaving crap on the sidewalk. It went something like this: (and remember what we're trying to do here, and that is mainly to RECYCLE.)

It's late. Really late, like past 9pm. We pull up to the compound. Through the mist we can see the barb wire sillouetted by the moon. A dog barks. In the distance a baby is crying.
Me: "This looks good. I don't see anyone around let's do it."
Dayna: "Ok. I'll pull up and pop the trunk, you deliver the package and we're out of here....I love you."
She pulls up to the curb. I spring into action, stepping out of the car and grabbing the lid of the trunk. It doesn't budge, my heart begins to pound in my chest.
Me: "Dammit! It's not open!"
Dayna: "Yes it is!"
Me: "No, you pulled the gas lid thing! It's right beside that. You always do that!"
Dayna: "Oh.
The truck pops open, I grab the container, throw it on the sidewalk and frantically, but ever so neatly, stack the recycling in front of the main gate. I throw the container back into the trunk, close it, close the gas lid thing on the side, and dive back into the car. Dayna punches it and we speed off into the night.

Now that the depot is open 7 days a week we can do it safely and legally during the day on the weekend. Today, dressed in my Sunday best before church, I walked into the depot with the recycling in hand only to realize that around here, the only people who bring recycling in bring it in stolen shopping carts and do it for the money they get back. Everybody pretty much stopped what they were doing and stared at me with my "shave" and my "pants" when I walked in. Ok, that was mean, but I have a right to feel out of place when I obviously am.

I think the root of the problem is that the modern city and especially this modern metropolis are so completely separated from nature that it takes quite an active imagination to correlate our actions with effects on the environment. Nature, being literally out of sight, is out of mind.

On a less serious and far less important note, with each passing day we realize how you can get anything in LA if you want it. You may be thinking "Surely you don't literally mean anything.", to which I reply "Be quiet because yes, if you want it and have enough money you can get it. " Any sort of gun, sex, animal, kitchen utensil, vehicle, furniture, butler, and entertainment you can think of, you can find it. A friend of ours told us that she actually managed to buy a midget telegram for her friend's birthday because she thought it would freak her out. Apparently when she called the agency they informed her that for an extra fee the midget would stay at the party for anywhere from 1 to 2 hours of "shenanigans". Shenanigans? It's the sort of thing that you know is definitely wrong, but still hard to not laugh at.

Ho hum. Hey Ryan's coming out! That should be fun.

100 Pages of Douchebags

2006-01-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

Our internet has been out for about 5 days now, so please excuse the truancy in updating. Now then:
Last night we ordered pizza. After giving our order, address, and phone number, we waited. After the 45 minutes we were told it would take expired we waited some more and finally gave up hope. On the surface this is a seemly normal experience that I'm sure everyone has gone through before.

Then about an hour later when Dayna and I started discussing what happened, the reality of the whole situation hit us like a ton of bricks. A ton of hilarious laughing bricks. We laughed non-stop for 5 minutes after dissecting the transaction that never took place that night.

This is how a pizza joint makes money: You get together some capital, do some planning, rent/build the building, hire some employees, and then begin advertising. All your eggs are in the basket now and you wait: Anxious and nervous, hopeful for any business you can get to support your family. As you sit there realizing that 90% of new restaraunts fail, somebody calls.

Miraculously a customer that has been bombarded with countless advertisements and suggestions from friends and family choses, of all people, you to purchase their pizza from. Things are going to be okay.

At this point the ball is in your court. The most insane thing you could do is NOT make the pizza and bring it to the person who is sitting there waiting to give you more money than it actually cost you to make the pizza and get it there. This is the fundamental principal that your business as well as every other business in human history is based upon. Without actually making and delivering the pizza, there's really no other reason for your business to exist.

We are still struggling mentally, emotionally, and in a way spiritually with what happened last night. They had our phone number and we live 5 minutes away. Where did the whole process break down? Was it us? Did we even order in the first place? Is this some kind of new Japanese business model?

The point of all this is that I stumbled upon the "Lawyers" section in the yellow pages while looking for pizza. It's the orange one. That's all lawyers. Based on these ads, I will assure any Canadian that despite everything bad you've heard about suing and lawyers in the US, it's much much worse. I know for a fact that last night we could have gotten a lawyer on our doorstep much faster than a medium with pineapple and extra cheese.

Needless to say, it's 100 pages of classy fonts, ruinous deceit and silver hair. One ad was just a huge stack of $50 bills and the lawyer's name! Suing is the answer to just about every problem in America. And forgive if I'm wrong but from what I've seen this is starting to happen in Canada now. It has been communicated to Dayna that her duties at work, in order of importance, are A) Don't get sued. B) Care for the sick and needy, save lives, and make this world a better place to live in. C) See A. These lawyers and the idiots who seek their council are largely responsible for the defensive culture of fear and entitlement that is quite easy to observe when you move here. Let's take a look shall we:

Berglund, Johnson, Sommer and apparently Jesus want you to call 1800-4ifhurt if you are hurt. WWJD? Sue dammit, sue!

Unforgivable. Completely unforgivable.

Dale K Galipo (who looks like he has a cousin who knows how to make problems...go away) has been dubbed the "Strikes Man". There are three requirements to hire Dale K Galipo:
1)You've done something horrible.
2)You've done it more than three times.
3)You want to do it again.

If you can answer yes to all of these questions, Dale's your guy!

This one is my "fave" because of the pictures.
Note from left to right:

Exhibit A) The "Whistle Blower". He's calling in some hardcore white collar crime from the 50th floor of his office. Sure he's got the drive and the college degree, but he's also got that moral fibre to call Danz & Gerber when something in the accounting department starts to smells like shit!

Exhibit B) An Afro-Amercian who is obviously getting screwed, yet again, by
"The Man" who is sitting directly across from him. Look at "The Man" carefully, he's thinking "This guys got a gun. I know it. He's got a gun. How can I hire someone who carries a gun?".

Exhibit C) The winner, and the one worth reading all this way for. What the heck!?!? Nobody in history has ever been so shocked in the workplace. What type of misplaced discourteous comment could have been muttered to upset this woman so? Where are the man's hands? This lady needs to call Danz & Gerber like yesterday!

Let's hope Canada doesn't get this bad. And let's hope it doesn't get this bad either.

Next time I just might go over some out-and-about games you can play while driving in LA that Dayna and I have invented such as "White Person White Person", "Wants To or Has To" (which has something to do with sweatpants), and "Wife or Daughter" (which is fairly self explanatory).

Once again, miss family and friends.

"Got to the video shop in a state, but chuffed it wouldn't be late
Only when he flicked open the case, I'd left the disc at my place." - the streets

It's Art, Stupid!

2006-01-24T00:19:00.000-08:00

This weekend we went to the J Paul Getty Center. It's a museum/art gallery/architectural chef d'oeuvre that houses works that span from the Mesopotamians (whose ancestors we now call "insurgents", little known fact) right up to contemporary photographers. Some call them insurgents as well. The neat thing is that the whole project is privately funded by the late Mr J Paul Getty. There's no entrance fee and I didn't even see a donation jar anywhere. That's awesome. I hate it when people ask for donations. It's so stupid.

It's actually quite amazing and in my opinion important when someone with money takes it upon themselves to create something beautiful like this for the betterment of their city and society in general instead of leaving it for family to squabble over. (Although apparently they still do).

At the base of the Santa Monica mountain range a tram takes you toward the top, where the center sits overlooking the entire city. It was was one of those eerie smog-free days in LA, which put a nice touch on the afternoon. The exhibits were great. Dayna and I went to quite a few large museums and art galleries in Europe this past summer so we went as fast as we could through most of the ancient and historical exibits, trying to feel as little guilt as possible. You can tell when people really don't want to see certain works of art but they walk just slow enough so the other people don't catch them being unappreciative. We've all been there. Every 5 minutes you lean in closer to a 16th century masterpiece, point at it a bit, whisper something like "Hmmmm, yes. This is definitly a painting of some sort." But really you're just trying to get out of there because you're sure they're about to run out of those hot pretzels they were selling in the foyer.

Our hands-down favorite was the Julius Shulman 'Modernica and the Metropolis' architectural photography exhibit. Most of his pictures where of buildings done by two of most awesomist architects of the 20th century: Richard Neutra and Pierre Koenig. It's pretty obvious that half of the draw of the Getty Center is the architecture of the center itself.

All in all a must-see if you're ever unfortunate enought to find yourself in Los Angeles. It's exactly like the Museum of Man and Nature except...who am I kidding, it's exactly the same!

The election just finished before I posted this. I quizzed a few people at work and asked them to guess what's going on in Canada today. I'd say about than half of them knew, which is actually more than I thought. Our new PM's name is Stephen or Steve for short. I think his only weakness is that he always looks like he's giving you what Kramer would refer to as the "stink eye". Wow his eyes are weird. It will be interesting to follow the Canadian and (lack of) US media coverage as Canada comes to grips with a leader whose eyes are just super super weird.

" Hello, Hello, My name's Terry and I'm a law-abider" - the streets

Me and My Recent Email

2006-01-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Jeepster Records,
For two $30 tickets to Belle and Sebastian's show in LA, Ticketmaster charges 9 dollars each ticket, plus another 4 for "processing". This is absurd and I really hope that b & s can maybe look at other venues or companies to manage this in the future. I know it's a complete monoply situation and your hands are pretty much tied, but forcing kids to pay OVER 1/3 of the ticket price to see the show, while none of that extra money goes to the band or venue, just don't make no sense. I don't know how to stop this rediculous Ticketmaster juggernaught short of starting my own company, but this how I'll start. Thanks and good luck!

Gareth "23 dollars poorer" du Plooy

Run. To the Hills.

2006-01-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

Over the last two Willeniums or so we have recognized, studied, and tried to offer solutions to what one could call the 'vicious cycle of poverty' that has come to exist on our planet. And although this problem was probably pretty bad in the dark ages, we all know its still an issue.

But today lets put aside that issue, because I am here today to expose that other vicious cycle, the vicious cycle of having so much money that you live in the hills of Calabasas. Every day when I step out of the office for a walk in the fresh air, I see something new that amazes me. Calabasas is the birthplace of the frightening practice of mothers dressing their 8 year old daughters in the exact same ug-boots/sweatpants/cellphone outfit that they are wearing. This is where it all starts. There's an air of inevitability and assurance that that same child will find herself wealthy with nothing to do until the weekend when she grows up as well. It reminds me of those t-shirts where from left to right there's a fish, then a salamender coming out of the water, then an ape, then a less hairy ape, then a guy in a business suit, then at the end is a goofy looking teenager with a skateboard and a backwards hat and it says "The Evolution of Man" at the top. I know a certain set of twin's whose mom can attest to that! Oh brother! Anyway, this is exactly like that t-shirt, except that this is evolution of the suburb, and the t-shirt...really...doesn't help us out all or provide any direction as to understanding what I'm trying to purvey here. Moving along.

<- Peach 'olden-days' style minimalls! Yeah! (pic updated: thanks chris for the revision!)

It's not just the fact that people are rich in Calabasas, because there are more affluent areas in LA. See: Malibu, Bel Air, Beverly Hill, Van Nuys, etc. The difference here is that Calabasas is the gold plated suburb that every other suburb wants to be. It seems to say "If you work hard enough and play your cards right then you, your wife (because you're male), your two kids and your rocket car can enjoy the spoils of the American Dream. The previously mentioned areas are more fantastical and not really representative of an ideal that we can sink our teeth into. These places are set in our mind as unattainable and rightly so. If you live in Bel Air, then you have a story to tell because you're either a movie star, a movie star's plastic surgeon, or you have old money. On the other hand, Calabasas is a goal that at least appears achieveable, even though it's not. At all. For 99.9% of us. It's the chosen land, the land of milk and honey where the beer flows like wine.

Count the Cadillac Escalades in a row. A must for groceries.- >

I'm not saying all this because I think it's wrong to have money. I think it's wrong to not have money. I mean really morally wrong. But, all side-splitting jokes aside, I find it fascinating when you come across real physical places that represent and are sometimes the birthplace of shared social and cultural ideas. I guess I just bring this all up because it's very very different from anything I've seen back home. "You Won't See THAT in Canada! Not Yet Anway!" Queue the 'wow, wow, wooowwowow' trumpet with the toilet plunger in the end sound followed by clown or hillybilly banjo music.

<- Your average Calabasas parking lot. Look carefully.

We're still liking LA. We are going to some concerts in the coming months that we think will be quite good. We are also thinking about upgrading our computer to one of those fancy ones that has a back on it.

"Just Try to Stay Positive,
Just Try to Stay Positive,
Just Try to Stay Positive,
Just Try to Stay Positive" - the streets. (Original. Inspiring.)

This one's not really worth it.

2006-01-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

This entry is more of a lead up into my next entry, which will hopefully be about a town called Calabasas, which is where my work is located. Calabasas reminds me of the town from the Stepford Wives. There's money everywhere. At 2:30 in the afternoon 50 year old women that look 23 drive new SUV's to the Coffee Bean to complain to their friends about their housemaids. Everything's pink. It's America squared times America. And when I'm there I feel alive for the first time in many, many years. Just kidding, but it is very interesting so more about that next time. The rest of this is pretty much filler.

We saw Shopgirl, because we were late for the movie we were planning on seeing. I didn't want to see it, buy Dayna did. I just...don't...get why Steve Martin and Bill Murray are "geniuses" all of the sudden with their artsy movies about dating 20 year olds. Too many actors write movies these days. I know Bill Murray didn't write Lost in Translation, but it I feel that saying it really helps move this rant along. But nay, all was not lost. For who was standing in front of us in the ticket line that night? You got it...Fred Stoller. We were trying to figure out how we knew him. Dayna made the connection: he is a minor character in Seinfeld, and a comedy writer. Which ties in neatly with what I am writing about. Now that's what I call synergy!
Finally, someone commented here that I would look like a "tourist" and be made fun of by the "locals" if I tried to surf for the first time in January. First off, there's not such thing as locals in LA. Second, I'm not what that person had in mind for what I should do with my Sunday afternoon. Play Super-Nintendo perhaps? Is that what I should have done? Just sit at home and play the Super-Nintendo? Third, I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

Ok that last guy isn't even wearing the same thing. I did NOT actually get up for more than 3 seconds, but I did cut my foot pretty bad on those rocks and I am planning on going back next weekend with a shorter board. My board was too long. That's why. It was just too long.

"Accept me as your own, Let me make myself at home, I just ain't a clone, Still got the monsta boy ring tone though." - the streets. (Mental. This guy is absolutely mental. He makes money for saying these things.)

Questions questions.

2006-01-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

Three questions.
1) To anyone who lives in Van Nuys, can I get some clarfication on the (ok, I'll say it, mostly Mexican/Spanish) people who stand on the corner of Kester and Oxnard every morning at 8:30? I think I know what's gong on here, but I'm not sure. Usually there are around a hundred or so people milling about on the sidewalk, many more than can be made out here. I've heard it's people who get picked up and do manual labour for cash every day. Is this like most other legit work-a-day businesses that most cities have, or is this more like a hire-undocumented-workers-illegaly setup? I would honestly like to know if anyone who (for some reason) reads this and lives here knows any more.

2) We finally found a breakfast place that at least in some way reminds us of the mighty Don Deli at home. I know, that's not a question. Or.....? Now in Winnipeg I can think of maybe one or two place where there are signed pictures of stars (or musicians) on the wall and usually it's only two pictures, both of Buffy Saint Marie. Out here, different story. This place we went to (Nats) had many and was one of a million places in LA that is a "stars favorite". In most places these stars are, well, not really stars. Alot of second rate scrub actors that were in supporting roles of movies from the 70's that nobody has ever heard of. Usually it's a BAD thing that they've been there. In fact I think I've seen people serving food that look very much like one of the people up on the wall. Awk...ward. Anyway, again, not a question. The question is...how does this actually work? Do stars just carry pictures around with them when they eat out? Do they sign a picture and give it to the owner INSTEAD of paying? Is there any real criteria you must meet to qualify for a picture on the wall? Because I don't think there is. Has a star ever come in with a picture in their pocket then been like: "So you've NEVER heard of me? You've NEVER seen any episodes of 'That 80's Show'? OK. Is there a bank machine around here?".
Seriously, if anyone has actually seen how this all goes down, let me know.

3) Question #3: Ryan made me realize what a geezer I've been by not even trying to surf since I've moved to LA. So I am going to try that tommorrow. Again, not a question. But it is profound and worth contemplating.

"Pull out yer sack and sit back" - the streets (Yuck. I'm sorry. The rudest you'll read here. But it is profound and worth contemplating.)

Take me home.

2006-01-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

I just spent last week in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. I returned there for work reasons and am glad to at least see some snow for the week that I was there. I wasn't able to post anything because they don't have the internet in Canada yet. In trying sqeeze my whole typical Canadian winter into 7 days I did fairly well. I managed to re-injure my knee playing hockey, wait too long for a bus in the freezing cold, lose a pair of mitts that weren't mine, and listen to my dad ask for ketchup at a Thai restaurant. This describes the last 8 winters of my life.

Most questions I get talking to family and friends about living in California is, predictably, "what is it like". But another question I get that is infinitely easier to answer is "What do they think about Canada and Canadians." And my answer is simple: "They don't".

I think we forget that the population of the US is TEN times greater than that of Canada. Coinciding with the upcoming Canadian election (of which I'm sure every American from LA is aware) there was a televised debate on Monday between the four potential prime ministers of Canada. I missed the live debate and came home to see if it made any US stations. Predictably after about an hour of surfing the TV news channels: no mention on CNN, MSNBC, Fox, or any other US news network. Anderson Cooper was literally doing an hour long show about what might happen in the news tommorrow. For a second I thought about watching the whole thing to find out if it was an SNL sketch. Turns out it was.

It's been really busy lately but am planning to get back on the proverbial blogging horse in the next few days.

Yesterday I left the land of snow, ice, and PST and returned to my wife, Arnold, Spanish billboards, and the Orange Line. To everyone I saw (and you know who you are), it was really nice seeing you.

"Let's talk space and time, I like to get deep sometimes, and think about Einstein, and Carl Jung And old Kung Fu movies I like to see, pass the hydrator please" - the streets.

I forgot to tell anyone, I'm ending each post with a lyric from the band the streets that doesn't really make any sense. Just don't pay any attention to it.

San Francisco: One Great City

2006-01-03T16:27:00.000-08:00

This weekend we went to San Francisco. I will try and prevent this post from turning into your aunt Becky's holiday slide show of her chartered bus tour to the Grand Canyon. To keep it somewhat readable I will list the first four words I now think of when someone says "San Francisco".
1) BEAUTIFUL: San Francisco is a beautiful city. There a quite a few large hills right in the downtown metro area that provide for great views. It has become VERY expensive to live there and there were a few areas that felt a little touristy. Then again the only people who complain about areas being "touristy" are from "tourISTS" who like to think of themselves as "travellers" simply because they because they bought a "lonely planet", have "dred-locks", and can't afford a "hotel". Although WE did stay in a nice hotel (which makes us tourists), we didn't ride the trolly cars because it cost $5 (which makes us travellers) and we found umbrellas in Chinatown for $1.39 (which makes us cheap).

2) TECH'M'OLOGY: San Francisco, being (sort of) part of the Silicon Valley, has a very intelligent population. Google is apparently implementing a free city-wide wifi network in San Fran and there are tons of tech companies in the area. Instead of billboards for Arbys and Viagra, many of them read things like: "The New Cisco XL9999 Network Router: Hackers Beware" and other tech related products. And these are huge expensive billboards right on the freeway. We even saw one that was for a business that can help you when you want start selling stocks of your private technology company! ie: Have an IPO and take it public. If you're a software nerd like I am, then you know it's crazy for there to be a market large enough for that type of thing to be targeted with a billboard. Then again if you're a software nerd like I am, you also find predictions in the 80's about how much RAM people would need in the future hilarious. 64 kilbytes!?!? Are you serious!?!?

3) DEFENSIVE: People in San Francisco pride themselves on being the most liberal city in the States. (See left.). So naturally when they hear we're from Canada, they make a point of talking about how their governor's insane and their president's a moron. I got the feeling that they believe that every Canadian is a gay socialist activist poetry slam organizer who knows in their heart that George W is the responsible for mankinds fall from grace. San Francisans (-iscoites?) are great people though. They wear nice shoes.

4) ALCATRAZ: Wow. This was not just good, it was amazing. This has to qualify as the creepiest place on earth. When you combine what we know about Alcatraz (the "hardest of the hard" convicts, years in isolation cells, and mysterious escape attempts) with the rundown and overgrown aesthetic of the buildings themselves, it feels like you're stepping into another dimension as you get off the ferry. The island and prison itself are smaller than they look from afar, which just makes it a more intimate experience. Hollywood has always been obsessed with Alcatraz, and for pretty good reasons which I won't get into here. We came, we saw, we spent $16.50 each.

Two strange things happened to us: About halfway into our hike across the Golden Gate Bridge we got caught in an insane rainstorm. The rain was going straight sideways, such was the wind! We confided in the eight other stranded "travellers" on the bridge for about 20 minutes, then made a run for it, trying not to literally get blown off the bridge.

Also, on the way back to LA, flames and smoke started billowing out of the car in front of us. Then a metal piece flew off the car and hit our car. (Which now needs some touch ups). As the three girls pulled over and ran screaming out of the burning car, one fell into a wet mud hole up to her shoulders. They called fire department and eventually we drove them to Modesto, which Dayna and I can now confidently say is the worst city in America.
And now to begin what will hopefully become a tradition of ending each entry with a "so bad it might be good" line from The Streets:
"You won't find us on Alta Vista, cult classic, not bestseller ..." - the streets

CBC on KPCC

2005-12-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

89.3 KPCC has become our radio station of choice. They are a So Cal (I can say that because I live here now) station affiliated with National Public Radio (NPR), the largest and best noncommerical radio network in these here United States of America. You can tell by the names of their programs like "The Loh Down on Science" and "All Things Considered" that it is well rounded and worth listening to. They are supported by some private companies which you DO hear about in a very non-annoying ad every half hour or so and it isn't that bad. The majority of their funding comes from member pledges which I think Dayna and I might do in a few months because we do listen to it all the time.

The radio stations in many parts of the US (including ours) are...different. I've seen billboards for a station that says "If you're a Democrat, you probably won't like us". There are many very conservative Christian stations raining down fire and brimstone over the airwaves. It seems like the craziest thing you might hear on the radio in Winnipeg is Charles Adler complaining about potholes or two of Winnipeg's five "black guys" being funny on 107.9. Here the hosts get really really worked up.

They also get pretty stupid to. The craziest one is 97.9 "La Raza". It's a Spanish station that has their sticker on every older car in LA county. Their billboards are EVERYWHERE and always have their flagship DJ "El Cucuy" giving a thumbs up with about 12 girls in the background who are missing the bottom 29 thirtieths of their jeans. The only way to describe the sound of the station is lots of lazers combined with the Spanish bee guy from the Simpsons who is yelling as loud and fast as he can.

Back to my main point, KPCC is great. The best part is that I've heard the CBC mentioned a few times in NPR news stories as sources and weekday evenings between 10 and 11....As it Happens! I don't know if it's the voice of Barbara Budd, or the unreal flute solo in the intro song, but I love hearing it. It reminds me of home. Apparently AIH is syndicated all over the US on NPR. Say it loud, say it pround: "I'm not embarrassed about Canadian state sponsored radio!".

The Mass of Christ.

2005-12-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

Every year a freak storm passes over The Grove shopping mall and it snows twice a night at 7 and again at 8 for two weeks in December. Scientists still haven't discovered the cause of this phenomenon, but it sure brings out the shoppers! It also has the side-effect of convicing parents to wait in line for 30 minutes to pay $12.50 to have their kids scared by Santa Clause and have their picture taken.

Scientists also haven't figured out how a Christmas tree can look so incredibly lame. A Korean scientist has came up with the formula:
(uneven light distribution * crooked star) / the fact that it is 3 feet tall and cost $30!) = look carefully at how bad the wrapping job is on the big green box. Guess who wrapped that one. But as we all know, Korean scientists HAVE been proved wrong before.

Anway, Merry Christmas to all. People freaking out about seeing the work "Christmas" and all of us shaking our heads at how many stores are open have just become part of the tradition by now, so just forget about it. Enjoy your family and be grateful for all we have and why we have it.

We plan on going to San Francisco for new years because we didn't want to pay $80 each to see the Flaming Lips in LA. Also, if you were wondering how indie we are, let's just say we got tickets to Wolf Parade without paying a scalper $150. (Which I actually saw on Craigslist). We are so....plugged....in. I don't really love them, but I do like them. So far over half the bands we've seen here are from Canada. Makes you wonder. About what you say? Only time will tell. Only time will tell. ?

Notes about Van Nuys.

2005-12-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a little about Van Nuys and the rest of the San Fernando Valley. Here are a few facts about places that are close to where we live. The links show where we live, and where these places are:

1) The Rodney King beating. Believe it.
2) Van Nuys High School - this is where Fast Times at Ridgemont High went down.
3) Vivid Video is apparently the largest porn production company in the world. In 2002 they made over a billion dollars. A billion. That's 1000 million. The only studio where they make their movies (that make them a billion dollars) is nice and close.
4) Encino Man. Remember? I hope not.
5) This is not a place but is very important. In Pulp Fiction when Vincent and Jules are looking for where to hide the dead guy in their car, Jules says "I ain't got no partners in the 818". That's our area code. I guess sometimes the streets can get heavy in the 204 as well.
6) We go to movies at the Sherman Oaks Galleria . Frank Zappa wrote the song "Valley Girls" about girls at this mall who like totally, like talk like this and abbrev their like words. So that's where every girl in grade 11 English class comes from.

And so on and so forth. Van Nuys has been described in the LA Times as " a giant bowl of oatmeal."

Although this description of our area of town is more confusing than derogatory, it's still ours and we still like it! It's like Wolesely without the hippies, nice old houses, dogs, yuppies, and trees. Errr?

We miss our family and friends and hope they are following their advent calendars dutifully in anticipation for the celebration of Christmas. We have a few fun plans for the holidays and perhaps our next post will have a Christmas theme. And maybe even a picture of us at a market we plan on going to that apparently shoots fake snow in the air for 4 hours a night for the next few weeks. Sounds environmentally devastating.

Libraries. So good.

2005-12-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

I would say that we are avid readers. Avid is a term usually only used when people describe their reading habits and want other people to think they're smart because they are in fact "avid" readers. The problem for Dayna and I is that in addition to being avid readers, we move a lot so buying books has become kind of a hassle. The boxes...oh the boxes. So although when I become a "grown up" and buy a "house" I want to be one of those people who has a big book shelf of all the books I've read, we've decided that for now the library is a better option.

Boy did we find a good one. It's fairly close and has a great selection of books. I think we've been turned off by libraries for a while because in Winnipeg the Centennial has been closed for two years and Winnipeg's smaller branches are not very good. They just ain't. Dayna checked out some high class Marilynne Robinson literature, her usual delicious veggie cookbook, and a "How to Speak Spanish and MEAN It" cd set. I got a few local history books, a book about the history of religious extremeism in the Middle East (what extremeism?), and a Las Vegas travel guide. Screw Mossad and Hamas, I want Celine Dion!

Three points about our library:
1) Just like in Canada there were posters of celebrities saying how a awesome it is to read. But instead of Elvis Stojko in a tutleneck there was LL Cool J and other rappers who endorse other things in their music besides reading. Like shooting people.

2) The library was connected to a "Child Development Center". People in Los Angeles seem to be overly interested in the development of their children. People live vicariously through their kids to a degree that I've never seen in Canada. In the US since college is more of a priveledge and WAY more expensive than Canada and it seems like your whole life revolves around getting into college, even at a very young age. Every single minivan you see has a sticker that says something annoying like "My Child is an Honor Student at I.M. Greedy Middle School". I say let kids be kids. I would settle for "My Child Hasn't Done Drugs Yet!".

3) Most of the people in the library were on the computers wasting time on myspace.com or playing games. I think it's unfortunate that this is what libraries are being reduced to. Every time I'm in a library I realize how awesome it is and I'm scared that when I retire at 32 and follow what I now realize is my true calling, there won't be any real libraries left that need librarians. I think that in a world without libraries we would be left with an ignorant population. People would have no insight into the world we live, be ignorant for the most part, and most would actually find this billboard funny:

On the other hand, if we keep libararies and reading culture alive, if people learn and understand their own history and develop a love and respect for the written word, then we will be rewarded with a population who just as I, when they see this on the side of the road, know that it is funny and take a picture:

They look like boobs!

Vayamos a México, otra vez

2005-12-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Dayna and I went to Tiajuana to get my TN visa. This time we parked "State Side" and walked over the border because we didn't feel like waiting in line in our car for over an hour to get back (while people bang on our windows trying to sell us sombraros, castanets, ponchos and anything else nobody in Mexico under the age of 120 actually has). I've mentioned it before, but there is no security going into Mexico. Here it is evident that the Mexican government's strategy to protect citizens from foreign drugs and weapons and also to prevent cheap foreign labor from coming in and destroying its thriving "really big hat" industry is to only let in those who know how to push a revolving gate.

What follows is the process you must follow when getting your TN visa:

1) As soon as you walk into Mexico turn around. Immediately.
2) Get into the lineup outside the US admin building.
3) Wait for over an hour.
4) Right before your turn is up, watch as the first white person you've seen in over an hour cuts the line and walks right into the building.
5) Get really mad because you know if your older brother was there, he would have flipped out on that girl because you know as does he that people cutting lines is first in a short serious of human behaviors that leads to...Total Anarchy!
6) Overhear the attractive white line-cutter girl in the bad powersuit get her TN visa, flirt, giggle, and do everything but actually have sex with the Customs and Border Patrol officer across the desk.
7) Just as she was leaving, (and at this point I had been thinking for about 20 minutes of what I could say to her because I was so mad), she said to the CBP officer "Like..wow! This is like totally the fastest I've ever done my TN!". Perfect. Almost...too....perfect. I walked up behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and informed her that this was because she actually cut everyone in line. She got really embarassed and started making up some excuse about how she was such a hoochy or something like that. I wanted to turn around and give Dayna the "up top, down low, too slow!" but for some reason she didn't look like she would be into it.

The serious point about this whole affair is that she, being white and good looking, looked at the line of what she saw as poor Mexicans, and knew that if she walked right in, they wouldn't even question her. People just looked around at each other and thought there was nothing they could do. When I saw that I got so...emotional? I don't want to read too much into this incident, but it was a subtle yet powerful display of how powerless people can become based on, and even saying this phrase sounds cliche, the color of their skin.

Aaaaanyway, that got a little preachy but needless to say I got the visa without having to get beaten with a phone book for hours on end by a man in uniform.

We went looking for a library today. What did we find? Stick around to find out!

New Job.

2005-12-14T00:27:00.000-08:00

I (Gareth) got a job last week. It's with a company that sends doctors and nurses to elderly and palliative patients' homes instead of making them go to the hospital. This works out better for patients because
A) It drastically improves the quality of life for these people because they worry less, get regular care, don't have go through the trauma of visiting the hostpital, etc.
B) It saves their health care providers a lot of money, which (hopefully) in turn saves patients money.
This company is cool because they really believe in what they do. Plus Julie Andrews is a spokesperson for them, which gives them street cred. So basically I'm a doctor for them. My U of M computer science degree was enough and when I told them I watch Scrubs on my computer, that sealed it. I'm totally kidding, like totally. I'm helping with the online patient records system. Should be really fun. The company is growing like crazy and they're actually moving closer to where we live so it will only be about 20 minutes to work! That's unheard of by LA standards. Which are pretty low standards. For commuting.

A new iron curtain drawn across the 49th parallel.

2005-12-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

We saw Propaghandi and Greg MacPherson last week. There's nothing that makes you feel cooler than seeing one of your hometown bands in a place that's far away from your hometown. Added to the fact that this show was in Hollywood and these two bands stand for pretty much everything that Hollywood isn't, it added to our very self-indulgent feeling that we (and nobody else) "got it". I wore my St. Boniface t-shirt to the show and when I struck up a conversation with the merch guy and he exclaimed "Where did you get that shirt!?", I pretended I didn't even realize I was wearing it, even though I totally did. (We also saw David Bazan. He was great.)
Still, there is a definite feeling talking to people here that many have a difficult time finding a sense of community, something I think Winnipeg is an amazing city for. I think there are two factors at play here.
1) The physical geography of the city can give it a very "sterile" feeling. There's something about being enclosed in a metal box with windows for hours a day that makes it difficult to feel very connected with people sharing this experience. Living in central Winnipeg you almost have to try not to become part of the community at large.
2) Many people our age come here to "make it". Whether this is in business or the pornography industry, the focus is on professional achievement (and for most this boils down to $$$). "Health" here almost always means "Physical Appearance" and you really have to look to find people and places where this does not apply.

Now to completely turn this around and make us look like hypocritical idiots, here are shots me being cool and of Dayna enjoying our new car the only way a new car can be enjoyed: Smelling it so hard that you need to actually touch your nose on the dash. Don't laugh Dayna..don't!

EIPE #1

2005-12-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

A few days ago we had our first Entertainment Industry Personal Encounter™. I realize that we will not ever really meet someone "famous" out here (and neither do we care to), but I suspect we will run into more people that exist somehow on the margins of the movie/television/useless garbage industry that makes its home in our neighborhood.
We were at the post office and an older Jewish fellow beside us started asking our teller about a manuscript for a book that he had sent to his publisher in Florida. Apparently the manuscript hadn't made it. I immediately told this man I was surprised that writers still send things via "snail mail" instead of emailing it. I think I offended him because immediately he told me he's been a TV writer for over 20 years. Then he told me he wrote alot episodes of Different Strokes and Full House.
I froze.
My veins turned to ice.
My head started pounding like a set of djembe drums that first year college boy treeplanters bring to camp along with their $300 boots.
Standing in front of the man who could very well be responsible for the fact that people know who John Stamos is, I wasn't sure wether to shake his hand or punch him in back of the head. I also think many of our generation lost the innocence of childhood the first time we heard Dave Coulier talk in his "funny voice". Anyway, I let it slide because I always warmed up with Full House before the really weekday pre-supper headliner Fresh Prince came on. Plus he was a really nice guy.

Dept. of Homeland Security Manual: Section 5, Article 2C

2005-12-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

Regarding well educated Canadians from the praries with good jobs and proper identification and paperwork requirements completed, DO NOT BE FOOLED. In a recent study this demographic has proven to be the number 1 trafficker of illegal narcotics, followed in distant second by Columbians in boats who don't speak English and have no identification.

One common tactic these groups of Canadians have been known to employ is to package their household goods in clear plastic containers, thinking that the fact that you can see everything inside will prevent us from opening the package. Again, STAY VIGILANT. As soon as you see this behavior, lift the package above your head and throw it across the room, making sure it lands on it's corner, breaking open and allowing you to inspect the contents that could already see from the outside.

If they ship a computer, DO NOT BE FOOLED. 92% of all drugs and weapons entered the US last year inside the Apple Emac. To make sure it is a computer and not an empty case with drugs or weapons inside, DO NO PLUG IT IN AND TURN IT ON and DO NOT USE SNIFFING DOGS. It may blow up. Instead, rip the back off with a crow bar.

Also, make sure you do a good job of this because we are charging these "Canadians" several hundred dollars for these containers to cross the border and we have a reputation of security and understanding to uphold.

Holy macaroni.

2005-12-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

So, ever though about buying a house in LA instead of paying rent? This is what 399,999 American dollars gets you. No joke, I checked others like it and its same idea.
And to think in Winnipeg that gets you a place on Wellington Crescent. Then again you need to take into account other factors, like quality of life. Wait a minute, 3 minutes of cold until your car warms up versus 3 minutes to pull out of your driveway...then another 120 to get to work. Hmmmm?

Interview with a gang-star.

2005-12-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

LA has the perfect example of every stereotype out there. Ever. And this is why I bring it up:
We're sitting at a desk in the bank today. A BMW pulls up. In walks a man.

He has gold teeth.

Apparently he plays for the North Carolina Tar-Heels because he is draped, doo-rag to sneekas in it. Then again maybe he doesn't because he has a debilitating limp. Which I'm sure he's faking. He has 6 gold rings, four on one hand, and two on the other. He has Chanel sunglasses on. Inside. He had a keyring on his back pocket with about 100 keys on it. (which I didn't really "get".) He was sucking a huge sucker at 10 in the morning. (which explains why so many of his teeth needed to be replaced with solid gold.) Etc, etc, etc.

Our banker is nowhere to be found so Dayna and I are leaning back trying hear what he is saying to his banker without laughing which would have probably gotten us shot. Throughout the course of his conversation we picked up the following sentences:

"I was hit with 50 g's yesterday." - 50,000 dollars was deposited into my account. At this point his banker also started referring to thousands as g's. Seriously.
"My account's been blowin' up" - I am doing something illegal and it is quite lucrative.
"I be shown' my face at 'Big in 05'." - I looked it up and it's a VH1 award show. He is going.
"It's hittin' the airwaves on VH1, January 1st. Yu' gonna like it man, me and 14 ladies. I ended up with a good one." - He just finished taping a VH1 dating show with 14 women who all really wanted this person.
"Hit me back." - He said this before hanging up his cell phone. It means please return my call. That was my favorite one because it's subtle, yet super. I use it now.

Anyway, a fairly surreal experience all in all. He made me think of Jay-Z's best line, (or maybe the only one I know) "I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man." Yes, yes and yes.

(PS: Here is Warren and Suzanna's msn space. From monkeys pulling glasses of peoples faces, to my brother in a tilly hat, it's got it all!)

Sannamonica.

2005-11-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

We have found one of the few actual pedestrian areas in LA county and it's Santa Monica. Santa Monica is pretty much like every scene from White Men Can't Jump, except the Jeopardy scene. ("I'll take vegetables that start wit' Q!" -Rosy P). There were basketball courts along the beach and off in the distance...dudes working out. You may also know Santa Monica from Sheryl Crow's song "All I Want To Do". We didn't see Sheryl, but I wished she was there playing basketball outside. Then I thought if she WAS there playing basketball, and I was on the other team, then I would probably just take her down low and post her up. Work from there.

Santa Monica is pretty cool, there are lots of pedestrian areas, some local businesses, and a pier that I think I've seen in the movies before. At the end of said pier we came upon the man you see in this picture. This guy was super sweet.

Note the organ pedals made from pvc piping.
Note that he is big time: Jimmy Kimmel.
Note, most importantly, the drumstick at the end of his guitar.

He sounded awful.

(PS: While "googling" how to spell the word awful, I saw this. Awful. Warning, there is a side-boob, no big deal though)

Off the record, on the QT, and very..hush..hush.

2005-11-27T15:06:00.000-08:00

We've been watching alot of LA crime / film noir movies, like Kansas City Confidential, LA Confidential, (I just realized how rediculous that sounds), and Mulhullan Falls Confidential. Lots of good shots of Los Angeles, lots of smoking, lots of fast talking and sexual innuendo, and finally lots of knocking people out from behind with those black rubber things. Anyway, all great movies, Chinatown is next.

I've done some reading on the history of the LAPD and there's a reason organized crime never made as big here as is was in Chicago and New York. In the 20's police chief Vollmer created a "Crime Crushers Division", in the 70s the LAPD became notorious for routinely using chokeholds for any reason (by the time this policy was stopped after 15 people died), and we all saw what happened to Rodney King. These dudes are pretty serious. But you know what's not serious, Hollywood!

We took a walk around Hollywood on Friday. When we parked and got out of our rented Focus, we realized we were right by Paramount Studios. Yawn. We still haven't seen the Hollywood sign. Apparently it's hard to see. Which is why we haven't seen it.

Also, I figured out where that $11 goes every time someone sees Harry Potter 3:

Three favorite things so far.

2005-11-23T14:37:00.000-08:00

A) Notorious B.I.G. (rip) on the radio. Alot.

B) The advertising in the "what's happing in the indie music scene this week" community magazines are still very Hollywood. In one page you'll think "Wow. From now until Dec 15th I get $1650 off all nose, breast, lip, and chin (?) procedures including an extra %50 off my second Botox, Restaylane, or Captique purchase. Oh and look, apparently Broken Social Scene are taking their music in a new direction. Awesome.".

C) And this one I am actually serious about...all the local businesses around here. (Wait a minute, I'm serious about the first one. In terms of seriousness we'll go A, C, then B.) When we came we were expecting nothing but big box stores and fast food chains with little or no sense of community. It turns out that on every corner is at lesat 3 or 4 family owned businesses. Whenever we drive somewhere we notice an old breakfast joint or an independant donut shop that we simply must try out. It's actually quite encouraging. I think this is because a large part of the population here is second or even first generation immigrants and they are more imaginative and willing to take risks. I love it. I've decided at this point that I will break this list of three into yet another list...of three.

Three favorite local donut joints so far:
1) Donut King. Classic name. Nice and close.
2) Randy's donuts. Established 1952, still making payments on a 22ft cement donut mounted on the roof. Not that close, but balls anyway.
3) My favorite: U.S.A Donuts. It's so...U.S.A. Hacksaw Jim Dugan works here (just part time) making this the second reference to a wrestler so far in my blog. And if you're looking for a new background for your desktop, look no further.

PS: You don't need to sign up anymore to post comments. You can choose "other" in the comments page, so comment. And no more anonymous comments. It freaks us out!

All Alone. Still.

2005-11-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

Because Dayna or I haven't started working / interacting with other people, yet we still find ourselves all day running abject tasks neccessary when moving to a new country, this:

is what seems to go on most evenings from about 7:15 until bedtime. Then we go to bed.

Wastemuch.

2005-11-21T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's hard to wrap your mind around the scale of environmental damage that's being created while idling in traffic on an LA freeway. You hear your own engine, you look to your left and at eye level you see the door handle of a car that you can't even tell what it is because in order to do that you would have to exit your vehicle and walk about 10 feet back to see the whole thing at once, then you look ahead and see 8 lanes of this (each way) stretching into the distance and the scale of it makes you not even care.

So you do this for a few days without thinking about it and one day you're buying groceries and after putting all the bags in the trunk, (we never brought our re-usables with us), you look at the trunk and can't believe the actual food/plastic ratio there is. I think in one of these bags is an orange. One orange. And you are just so mad that you want to write a poem about it for the next "poetry-slam"...and then you get back in your car and go idle on the freeway some more.

The dreaded panorama flyover shot.

2005-11-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

Our quest for a church continued today with another Anglican church in the area. It was a little bit more contemporary than we prefer. It appears as though a lot of churches have moved past the powerpoint-projector stage to video behind the words. I don't want to be a cynical old coot because many people may find it assists them worshipping and that's fine, but I find it fairly distracting and unnecessary. And it's always the same video: Flying over fields with tractors plowing, flying over mounains, flying over the Washington Monument, etc. I feel like I'm in Futureshop on Pembina shopping for a new plasma TV. You know, in the back there. You know.

Let's make an orDEAL <- a little play on words there

2005-11-17T00:14:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. I think we're going to buy a new car. A Mazda 3. In LA there's no real "transit system" per se so our hands are tied. There's a dealership near where we live called Galpin and apparently it's actually the biggest car dealership IN THE WORLD. I believe them. This place makes Winnipeg auto malls look like me that time I tried to start a business taking viruses off peoples computers. (I did alright at the start but the marketing just wasn't there, no offence to my brother Warren who DID hand out homemade business cards to everyone in his university phys-ed class).

I never thought we would ever actually buy a brand new car because they were a rip-off but around here every used car dealership has nothing but "repossesed" vehicles which doesn't sound very good to me. Repossesed means that someone tried to lease a 2004 BMW (they are all BMW's or Mercedes Benz) but as it turns out you can't make the payments if you're working the drive through window at the local Pollo Loco Tacos. So the bank takes them back.

Here's a picture of the car I wanted to get, but that would be retarded.

Mire, allí es Big Show

2005-11-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

While perusing the local Goodwill store for "retro" (aka almost free) furniture the other day, Dayna and I are leaving out the side door when we see some cameras and vans in the parking lot beside us. Then some Mexican kids start pointing and saying to each other "skala kala kala kala Big Show" (culturally insentive? yes. are those the exact words the kids were actually saying? probably).

Anyway, there he was shooting some sad B movie and it just shows how funny life can be. Things can be going pretty good...you're body-slamming Bobby the Brain Heenan for millions of dollars and adoring fans...then BAM, you find yourself in a pair of tapered dress pants in a dirty parking lot in the outskirts of Los Angeles.

Two pictures here. The first one is a stunning side profile of the Big Show. Now is it Big Show or THE Big Show? The most interesting picture though is the second one, which shows us just where Big Shows career is at this stage. In the scene is another large man dressed up as the ancient god of war Zeus who is standing on what appears to be a 1997 Toyota Corolla hatchback. How did things fall apart so quickly Paul? (That's his real name, I "Googled" it. Google. It's a website that matches up wrestler names with their real names).

Wow.

2005-11-13T23:37:00.000-08:00

We found an Anglican church in our area and went to the service in the morning. We sang the star spangled banner half way through. We may keep looking for a church.

Get rich or die going to the movie.

2005-11-11T00:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight we went to Fidy Cents new movie Get Rich or Die Tryin' (no G at the end of that verb). In front of the theater complex were a few crouds of real Latino gangsters. They would all stand in a group on the sidewalk and every few minutes a different lowered SUV with a lot of bass coming from it would slowely roll by and then they would all sort of nod their heads in approval and mutter something under their breath to the nearest person. Probably something like "Sure there's alot of bass sound out here, and we know he's hearing the highs because I know there are 14 "tweaters" in that homie's vehicle, but I bet you he's missing alot the mid-range".

Anyway the point of the story is that Dayna and I were already feeling a bit conspicuous because we were the only two white people in the theater, when at one point in the movie (and I don't think I'm ruining it for anyone because I know you've all seen it) 50 gets thrown from his jail cell into solitary confinement and guy sitting directly behind us says to his friend "Oh man, I remember that". At that point we both wished we were back in our hotel room the night before watching this guy:

I had heard in the news the night before that someone in LA actually got shot in the bathroom of a movie theatre where Get Rich or Die Tryin' was playing. Don't let that stop you from going though, great movie. Just great.

Van Nuys: breath it in.

2005-11-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

After spending a night in a motel (that's Motel, not Hotel), a night in another motel (again, note the M) that had internet access which we desparately needed so we paid way too much for it, and visiting many overpriced / undermaintained apartments, we walked into the Mi Casa Apartments.

And let me tell you, life is good at Mi Casa, which is Spanish for a whales v--. I think it actually means "my house".

Van Nuys is nice and it has an interesting history. After double-yu-double-yu two and the post war boom that was happening, the San Fernando Valley was where your average working class American MAN was able to afford a house with some space out back called a "yard". It really was America's first suburb.

Them rich white folks have apparently moved out of these suburbs and into the...suburbs (?) because around here is has come to our attention that approximately 15% of the population is caucasion, the remaining population being mostly hispanic or under that "other" column that you check off when applying for your licence because nobody can really tell what you are anyway.

Landed...

2005-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

So we landed in Sacramento and rented a car. Actually it was a minivan and cost us WAY too much money. Partially got Dayna's nursing lisence and drove "the van" to LA. Getting behind the wheel of a 2005 Chrysler Town and Country, I felt alive for the first time in years. So alive.

Comparing northern California to southern is like comparing Boissevain to Toronto. We drove through the Sierra Nevada's. They looked quite arid.

Freeways in northern California are mostly very nice. Freeways in southern California (where we'll be for at least a year) are for the most part absolute crap and usually not even worth getting on, for example:

Off tommorrow night.

2005-11-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

Well after many months of planning, procrastination, traveling, and the odd cigarette, Dayna and I are leaving tommorrow night for the US of A. Should be good.