100 Pages of Douchebags
Last night we ordered pizza. After giving our order, address, and phone number, we waited. After the 45 minutes we were told it would take expired we waited some more and finally gave up hope. On the surface this is a seemly normal experience that I'm sure everyone has gone through before.
Then about an hour later when Dayna and I started discussing what happened, the reality of the whole situation hit us like a ton of bricks. A ton of hilarious laughing bricks. We laughed non-stop for 5 minutes after dissecting the transaction that never took place that night.
This is how a pizza joint makes money: You get together some capital, do some planning, rent/build the building, hire some employees, and then begin advertising. All your eggs are in the basket now and you wait: Anxious and nervous, hopeful for any business you can get to support your family. As you sit there realizing that 90% of new restaraunts fail, somebody calls.
Miraculously a customer that has been bombarded with countless advertisements and suggestions from friends and family choses, of all people, you to purchase their pizza from. Things are going to be okay.
At this point the ball is in your court. The most insane thing you could do is NOT make the pizza and bring it to the person who is sitting there waiting to give you more money than it actually cost you to make the pizza and get it there. This is the fundamental principal that your business as well as every other business in human history is based upon. Without actually making and delivering the pizza, there's really no other reason for your business to exist.
We are still struggling mentally, emotionally, and in a way spiritually with what happened last night. They had our phone number and we live 5 minutes away. Where did the whole process break down? Was it us? Did we even order in the first place? Is this some kind of new Japanese business model?
The point of all this is that I stumbled upon the "Lawyers" section in the yellow pages while looking for pizza. It's the orange one. That's all lawyers. Based on these ads, I will assure any Canadian that despite everything bad you've heard about suing and lawyers in the US, it's much much worse. I know for a fact that last night we could have gotten a lawyer on our doorstep much faster than a medium with pineapple and extra cheese.
Needless to say, it's 100 pages of classy fonts, ruinous deceit and silver hair. One ad was just a huge stack of $50 bills and the lawyer's name! Suing is the answer to just about every problem in America. And forgive if I'm wrong but from what I've seen this is starting to happen in Canada now. It has been communicated to Dayna that her duties at work, in order of importance, are A) Don't get sued. B) Care for the sick and needy, save lives, and make this world a better place to live in. C) See A. These lawyers and the idiots who seek their council are largely responsible for the defensive culture of fear and entitlement that is quite easy to observe when you move here. Let's take a look shall we:
Berglund, Johnson, Sommer and apparently Jesus want you to call 1800-4ifhurt if you are hurt. WWJD? Sue dammit, sue!
Unforgivable. Completely unforgivable.
Dale K Galipo (who looks like he has a cousin who knows how to make problems...go away) has been dubbed the "Strikes Man". There are three requirements to hire Dale K Galipo:
1)You've done something horrible.
2)You've done it more than three times.
3)You want to do it again.
If you can answer yes to all of these questions, Dale's your guy!
This one is my "fave" because of the pictures.
Note from left to right:
Exhibit A) The "Whistle Blower". He's calling in some hardcore white collar crime from the 50th floor of his office. Sure he's got the drive and the college degree, but he's also got that moral fibre to call Danz & Gerber when something in the accounting department starts to smells like shit!
Exhibit B) An Afro-Amercian who is obviously getting screwed, yet again, by
"The Man" who is sitting directly across from him. Look at "The Man" carefully, he's thinking "This guys got a gun. I know it. He's got a gun. How can I hire someone who carries a gun?".
Exhibit C) The winner, and the one worth reading all this way for. What the heck!?!? Nobody in history has ever been so shocked in the workplace. What type of misplaced discourteous comment could have been muttered to upset this woman so? Where are the man's hands? This lady needs to call Danz & Gerber like yesterday!
Let's hope Canada doesn't get this bad. And let's hope it doesn't get this bad either.
Next time I just might go over some out-and-about games you can play while driving in LA that Dayna and I have invented such as "White Person White Person", "Wants To or Has To" (which has something to do with sweatpants), and "Wife or Daughter" (which is fairly self explanatory).
Once again, miss family and friends.
"Got to the video shop in a state, but chuffed it wouldn't be late
Only when he flicked open the case, I'd left the disc at my place." - the streets